Quote:
Originally Posted by husbandofacoa  Thanks for your perspective.
No she doesn't really admit the problem. She won't go to counciling. She went with me for approx 5 visits. She spent most of the time trashing me and trying to win the counciler over to her side. I realized after a couple of visits that the counciler sees this kind of behavior all the time. In the last meeting he started to work the conversation to her and her background. That was it and she never would go back.
I continue in my program (alanon). It does indeed help to call her hand and not stand for the BS. She is not going to change until she hits bottom and it is obvious to me that her bottom is way, way farther down that mine was.
I would like for this to work because we have children, but I am sick and tired of the games and the dishonesty.
Again, thanks for your response. It gives me hope. |
Hello,
Thank you for sharing part of your story. I can understand your agony and frustration and I imagine, emotional exhaustion. My husband is the husband of an acoa (me). I have not had issues of lying to my husband--given the fact that we value honesty...however I do struggle with other things that I tend to minimilize. I often don't consider his feelings about how I behave or act and have a hard time letting him in. I'm often on the defense in our marriage and this has caused a lot of problems in our marriage and has hurt my husband deeply. Unfortunately, the abuse I suffered from a young child until early adulthood is deeply rooted within me and I tend to treat people who love me as if they are a criminal. I'm constantly on the defense...constantly anticipating the moment when I will be proved right---which means that all of my fears have come true--that my husband is a liar, abuser, controller, etc. However, luckily, my husband isn't any of those things...but i tend to treat him as such. Sometimes I literally see my step-father standing before me when in reality its my husband.
Unlike me, my biological (acoa) sister has a tendency to lie and manipulate things constantly--even over extremely small things when there is no point in doing so. She even went as far as lying to me about something my husband said. For some reason, some acoa's believe that lying is a necessary part of life--that people won't love them if they are truthful...and it keeps them in hiding and hides the hurt and pain away so they don't have to deal with it. because of her lying, I have made the choice to step away from my relationship with her (initially she disowned me b/c I confronted her on her lying and told her I wouldn't tolerate it--she hated that) for the safety of myself and my families well-being. My children don't need their auntie lying about them and my husband doesn't need his sister-in-law doing that to him.
In regards to my husband--he has had to threaten divorce to me on several occassions before I ever started to see the harm in my behaviors. I was constantly destroying our relationship. In some ways i still have trouble to this day...just relaxing, living life, trusting him as a wife should, etc. I'm always anticipating the next betrayal and any flaw he has---I'm ready to say--TOLD U SO! It's crazy-making and it's not getting me anywhere. I'm not living in the reality of what is...i'm perceiving imagined threats constantly. I have a hard time being vulnerable and relaxed and allowing someone to love me.
Anyway...have u thought about threatening with separation and saying something like...I love you, but I can't take this anymore...Either you start acknowledging how u are hurting others around u, get help for this, or I'm leaving...I'll start looking for my own place to live. Not sure that would work, but it might bring sanity to your world. You may even be surprised that she does think about it and try to change. Just a thought...I have no clue what avenues you've already ventured. I just know that people don't deserve to put up with lying and they do have the right not to tolerate abuse--b/c that is what it is turning into.
Anyways, good luck with you and I hope that things get better for you. :praying