So my AH had been behaving really well, was acting very kind, had cut way back on drinking though didn't stop, and went to a therapy session (on his own). We got in an argument over the fact that my friends didn't invite him along one evening to do something and he won't let it go. He keeps bringing it up and telling me how awful I am and how I"m the "meanest person alive". The insults are really getting comical lately.
Anyway, he threw a fit this weekend and called me mean and a b**ch and all this for literally having done nothing. I went out with friends for halloween as he screamed at me and told me if I didn't come home he was leaving and he was going to buy a bottle of liquor (he's only had beer and wine for about a month now) and he was going to get drunk. I ended up taking the dog w/ me and going out for halloween at my friend's and staying the night there.
Because of the arguments and serious need to see if our relationship is worth having, we had set up a joint therapy session with someone that I Have seen on a few occassions myself, and he went to ONCE himself. I believe he admitted to this therapist / took a test that showed that he was an alcoholic. He didn't come out and tell me as such, this is "unsaid" information, if you know what I mean. Basically I haven't asked him to label himself or called him an alcoholic or anything, I was hoping we'd get some therapy sessions in and start communicating before bringing out any big guns.
Anyway, I got home min the morning an hr before our therapy and he was livid, screaming about how I didn't come home, I was a bad wife for not telling him I was staying out, how he didn't believe I stayed at a friend's house (I told him I was taking the dog since he said he was going out to get drunk and wouldnt be home in the morning. He knew where I was going and I said I would probably stay if I was drinking, but his point is that I didn't call him specifically to tell him I was staying.. which would be somewhat valid if he wasn't a screeching psycho as I was leaving, calling me names etc.).
Anyway he accused me of all sorts of awful things, saying how awful of a person I was etc. I said why don't we work this out in our session. Well obviously he wasn't going to go to therapy. I had "blown it" and he went down a path of you screwed this up, it's your fault I'm not going, look what YOU did.
I swear, I see alcohols progression. The ridiculousness of his words and actions are really scary. It's creepy.
Anyway, he refused to go, I asked him to attend with me and was hoping he would, nope.. I went anyway. I got home and he had been drinking whiskey and was sleeping / watching tv / being an a$$hole.
My parents were coming into town and were supposed to stay with us that night and he ensured he didn't pick up any of his mess and told me how irresponsible I was for not cleaning the whole house prior to going out last night, and intentionally left a trail of his junk everywhere around the house. I just told them that we were having problems and they would need to stay at my sister's house.
He continued to drink whiskey, pretty much our mortal enemy and his best friend all in one. I got home from my visit with family and he has gone though most of one bottle. I say one because the whiskey he buys is $13 and I saw the $26 charge on our bank account. So I'm sure there's something else he's drinking or drank last night. Doesn't matter..
When I looked at our bank account there was a $160 withdrawal from our checking account. We are pretty much negative in money, spending loan money my parents gave us for a business venture of his. He is now working and apparently got his first paycheck on fri or sat, but 'left it at work' by accident. He said this benignly but I would not be surprised if he owed someone some of that money, since he's been hanging out with drinking buddies from his new job a lot and hadn't been spending much. I suppose it's possible they loaned him cash until his paycheck.
We have a house together that we bought 1 year ago, several very very high credit cards (talking like 30k in cc debt), 2 car payments that are not even close to being paid off (both bought in the past 2 yrs), plus owe nearly 20k to my parents now. I feel like I could just throw up and die looking at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was always so responsible.. I always had savings.. Ug.
I asked my husband tonight if he'd taken $160 out of the atm this weekend, he said yes. THere were other charges on the card too for like cigarettes and booze and fast food, so he obviously either spent all the cash right away or was squirreling it away.
He decided to play games and tell me I didn't deserve to know, saying something about how I had kept full information from him and made him suffer and he wanted to teach me the same thing. He told me I could stew on it and worry about it and he would enjoy doing so. I just walked away, he's enjoying that I wanted to know where he spent it or if he spent it. I'm sure it wasn't on something good, that's for sure.
Anyway, I'm scared, I have been here before, once he got wasted and blew 250 in one weekend on cabs and going out etc etc. It's not a FREQUENT pattern but it has happened a few times throughout our relationship. I'm just catching on a little slow..
I know I need to separate financially. I think I'm scared because I want his paycheck. I'm scared because I am afraid that doing something like taking all the money out tomorrow morning and putting it in a new account is like 'sealing the deal'... If I do that, then the war may be on for good. I mean, I guess I was hoping to hang out for a couple months and hopefully use his paychecks to help offset our debts.. and if he's spending $160 each weekend, well he's still making more than that.. I don't know. I just feel so angry that I am trapped financially.
I cannot afford all our bills on my own. I am afraid that if I go this route and close it out, he will retaliate by destroying something, making things awful, etc. If I do one thing, then will I have to hurry and call all my credit card companies and try to lock them down? Will I have to hide the car titles and all my important documents? Will I have to resign myself to living in a war zone? I would need to sell the house, and I don't know if I can get what we paid for it. I mean we only bought a year ago, we'd have nothing to offer for closing assistance or real estate fees or anything.. not one dime. I don't even think AH would agree to sell if he is in 'react and defend' mode. Should I wait until he's sober in a couple days to do something? I am really pretty ready to end this marriage. I thought it could work if he was willing to do all the things he had been doing but he hasn't made any real changes in himself. It was all a show I guess.
UGH I hate this, I Just want to live my life! But today, what do I do? I don't like my choices or prospects. Neither waiting nor 'running with the money' feels safe.
