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It all sounds like normal addict behavior to me. We are always trying to fill that yawning hole we feel inside ourselves...with drugs, meds, relationships, whatever we think might work. And it doesn't work, really. In the long run, none of it works until we start working on ourselves. That big emptiness inside...is a lack of a higher power when you get right down to it.
The bad news is it's going to take work and time to feel better. The good news is, you can start right now, and you don't have to do it alone. There are thousands of us out here who felt just as you do when we came to recovery.
Meetings help a lot. Especially in the beginning. Meetings are like medicine for those bad burning feelings of emptiness, depression, loneliness, nervousness, and the panic it all brings when we don't have drugs to dumb it down enough. So get to as many meetings as you can right now. I'd do three a day if I could when I feel like this.
You need to start journalling your feelings...get it all down, here if you want.
Start getting some numbers at meetings so you have some people to call when you get upset.
Your meds...there is never enough...that's part of being an addict. Just put it on a 5 minute basis if you need to for now...just for five minutes, don't take the meds unless it is really time, according to what the doctor has prescribed. Then start another five minutes. And build it up, an hour at a time, until you have a day of medical compliance.
Do you have a basic text? If you don't, you can google it on line. It can be very comforting to read a bit of the literature if you can't get anyone on the phone for a while.
As far as excercising, if it helps you, then do it. I haven't been physically healthy enough in recovery to really excercise, but if you can do it, it is very good for nerves. Especially walking.
Meditating or praying can also be really great for relaxation and to connect with your spritituality. Some people also like to go to services during times of crisis.
If all else fails, go back to the ER and tell them you are panicking. You always have that option if the meds fail to keep you feeling safe.
And we are always here, and ready to listen, and we care. Keep us posted!
Love,
KJ
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