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Originally Posted by sograteful  Welcome StellaBlu --and Dothi, your message touched my heart.
I divorced my alcoholic mom just over one year ago. I've started compling my 'family of choice' --along with my husband....and we're moving forward in that direction. It was either stay and be around her drinking and keep myself in a depressed/negative state most of the time....OR 'divorce' and be HEALTHY....and be able to move forward with my husband and our chosen family and friends. I could no longer allow her to stifle our lives.
It was a difficult decision, came after many sessions in therapy...and still stings. But wow...I feel so much lighter in my load.
We tried to have a semi-relationship with my codependent/enabling father --but that's proving not to work out. Sadly. But my therapist reminds me often, it's impossible to have a real relationship with just one person --and if the other is 'stuck' in alcholism or codependency, they aren't actually participating in our 'relationship'.....it makes sense, of course. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I will say, even with the sadness and the pain, it's the best thing that I've ever done for myself. I hope she one day gets help, gets healthy and lives life....but I have absolutely ZERO control over whether that will actually happen or not. I couldn't keep 'waiting' for it and keeping my own life stifled. For how long? For ever? Noway. My husband and I have forged ahead. We have amazing holidays with our chosen family. We have extremely deep and healthy relationships with our chosen family. We are so lucky, I can't even begin to tell you...
Good luck to everyone who is in limbo ---setting boundaries is the best place to start. The decisions aren't easy. There's no way I would have been able to make them --or even understand them--without the help of an amazing addiction therapist.
All the best to everyone. +++ thoughts always. |
Thanks for sharing. I currently am trying to move on from my family of origin for the second time. What I find to be difficult now is that I have had no one to celebrate holidays or birthdays with. No one cares and I'm too scared to even get to know new people b/c I'm just waiting for then next time they find reason to dislike me and ditch me---plus...most people I know have their families to spend time with. So...I've been alone for a very long time. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing good to offer anyone--people think i'm too extreme or whatever the case. I often feel like I am unfit to be a mother. I can never measure up to my husbands standards of preference whether it's how I dress, act, and/or whether or not I am happy enough. I'm just very tired of people treating me like crap my whole life. I'm tired of being hurt, taken advantage of, and not being loved for who I am. I'm tired of being told I treat others poorly, etc. I'm very frustrated in my social relationships and feel that no matter how hard I try, I always screw up. I've been weary for a long time, even though I often try to tell myself otherwise. Not only that, but I'm afraid I am going to mess up my kids' life becayse of my shortcomings. I'm tired of being told one minute that I'm a good wife and mother and then the next minute that I am not. I can never figure out which way it is and I"m really getting tired. It's starting to take its toll b/c in the midst of it all, I don't feel like I am loved by anyone at all for who I am and where I am. I feel like I am loved if I become someone else and I just can't take living like this anymore.
A heavy heart can only travel so far.