[veryregretful]

My husband left over two weeks ago. Don't know whether it was his choice or mine but I did tell him if he drinks he made his choice so I guess he made his choice.

I have had contact with him because I'm feeling guilty. I'm still thinking I can make him stop drinking. On top of it all he is staying at my friends house. Boy, do I feel betrayed. Her boyfriend and my AH are friends.

He's still angry and blames this and that for being angry and giving verbal abuse I know it's not our fault (me and the kids). I can't figure out in my head why I miss him.

I'm sick to my stomach. Only started to eat again. I need to stay healthy for my 14 year olds. I'm not just doing nothing which I would like to do. Today me and my son picked up 5 barrells of leaves this morning so they can be picked up on Monday with the trash. Then I'm going to color my hair so my grays aren't showing anymore. It's difficult to get up and do these things but I have to. I am sooooo exhausted after doing leaves I just want to sleep the day away but I know I can't. Actually I'm feeling guilty on the laptop right now and my kids are in the house. one's upstairs cleaning her room and the other on xbox. why do i feel guilty for taking time for myself? Cuz I haven't done it in so long?

When me and AH talk he asks why am I trying to control him? I answer I'm not controlling you, I'm just trying to control the verbal abuse when he is drunk. He don't get it. He asked if I wanted to go to my friends house tonight for Halloween and sit by the fire and he said he was going to have a few drinks. NOT!!!!! I'm not going. How can I? My daughter said go, it's something to do but that's the whole reason why he isn't here. Anyways my kids are going trick or treating and I need to be here for them.

He is going to take each child out seperately. My son on Monday and daughter on Tuesday. I have already told my son that he should tell his dad exactly how he feels. that he don't want him home unless he is sober. Should I encourage them to tell him how they feel? I think thier dad needs to know how his behavior has affected them. If he was sober I would let him back in. There wasn't verbal abuse unless he was drunk.

He is still making excuses so why do I still find the need to talk with him? It's killing me.

We have been together 20 years and this really stinks. I'm debating on whether to sell the house and move but my children are starting highschool next year and hey are adamant about staying here. I live in a small city that isn't the greatest. I"m nervous about drugs and gangs and etc. I don't want to give them a double whammy. having thier dad leave then moving.

my daughter is going to start guitar lessons and she wants to go to berkley college of music. my son is a straight a student without really trying. I want them to go forward with thier dreams and don't want to screw them up that's why their father had to leave. you can read the particulars from my other posts.

i spoke with my son this morning and is adamant that he don't want him home unless he is sober. i would like him to say this to his dad. i can't force him but all i can give him is guidance. i did tell him that he needs to tell his dad exactly how he feels. even if tears come out. I want my daughter to do the same.

I will admit that i take some claim to our problems but i will not take blame for any reasons why he drank and verbally abused us. if you want to call me a B word you can. i will admit i am but anything other than that i will not take claim for.

i haven't posted for a little while since he left because i think i was thinking everytime i came on here and read the more final the decision was and didn't really want to believe it. i guess i might be in denial.

after my husband left i went to my psychologist and he ended the session before the half hour and basically said i did the right thing. but what i needed to know was about my feelings and what to do with them.

i have been to alanon and didn't really get anything out of it. i just didn't like to listen to other people's stories without asking questions. that's why i like this board. you can't give me answere but you can give me things to think about.

it really hurts and as i am writing this sentence i have tears in my eyes for the first time in a couple days.

tons of things going through my head. i don't want to be alone the rest of my life. but i think first i need to learn to live by myself. have never been by myself in 44 years. sad but true.

i hate going to the store, or driving somewhere and see a husband and wife together i get jealous. I don't have that anymore. I guess right now i'm having a pity party for myself. It's saturday and i don't have work to keep me busy.

My house is clean but i'm not much of a closet cleaner. that's what people have been telling me to do. i don't get any satisfaction from that. I should probably take the dog for a walk but that takes energy which i have none. I was thinking maybe i'll take him for a walk up the street to a friend that her husband was a alki and threw him out when kids were young and he came back 6 months later sober. she will probably be able to help me with these feelings but i have to try to muster up the energy.

i'm sorry about the book. i'll stop now but i know i could go on forever. thanks for listening!

I'm proud of all you guys that have left your alki and got on with your life. you are so strong. just wish i could be that strong. maybe in time but right now i don't feel it. i feel like a failure to my kids, my family and to myself.

i am looking forward to giving out candy tonight. just don't want to do it by myself so i'll see if any of my friends are around. I haven't heard from anybody since he left. sad i know. that's why sometimes i think i imagined the verbal abuse. or i just alienated myself from them while he was drinking.

it still gets me angry that he is staying at my friends house. i know she won't let him stay there forever but she is enabling him. she should know better she was married to an addict for years. so sad!!!

now i'll stop typing. thanks again for listening!