SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Divorcing Your Parents

dothi · 10-31-2009, 08:16 AM

Hi StellaBlu, I couldn't access the whole article, but got the introductory jist.

I made the decision to "divorce" my alcoholic father over a year ago. It involved moving away from my entire family of origin and a lot of other sacrifices. I distanced myself from my sister with whom (in the absence of our parents) I have a good relationship with. I left behind an incredible support network of friends with whom, over a decade, I developed self-confidence enough to trust my own instincts (my AF made the repeated point of how people "out there" were only going to cheat me - that no one outside of my family would ever really care about me or want to see me happy).

In spite of the good friends, I found that the pressure from my AF (and codie mother from time to time) got worse (probably because I was getting healthier in my perspective on healthy relationships). It got to the point where my anxiety became unmanageable if I had to spend any time with this man who was in complete denial about how his drunken actions hurt me. His father was a violent, controlling drunk. I never experienced any violence (being the family Hero), but I was terrified of what lengths my AF might undertake in order to "keep" me close and part of our happy family. I knew he had been aggressive towards my sister (the scapegoat) - the worst episode promptly pushing forward her decision to run away. The last night I visited with my parents before moving, he got completely hammered, came into the house, interrupted the conversation my mom and I were having, and violently pushed the table into the wall when I put up my boundary (can we talk about this when you're sober? I will not have this conversation with you while you're drunk). Then he stormed off, raging/crying about how I couldn't repay him for all the years he let me to go school (post-secondary). All I could think was that once I was gone, I wouldn't have to go through this fear and guilt-mongering again.

The hardest part about the "divorce" is coping with the people I've left behind. Feeling damaged and trying to meet people in a new place is hard; the healing takes a long time. I have felt really isolated in what I'm going through (save this forum!). Since I've left I am still in contact with my mom and sister, but my brother now avoids any contact with me. Once I was moved away I was really frustrated by the complete lack of literature out there for people who've had to make this decision. How do you deal with subsequent estrangement from other family members? How do you cope with the new normal? How do you cope with the grief? Does no one EVER make this choice?

Believe it or not, there appears to be more online resources for parents who have been estranged by their children than for PEOPLE facing this decision. One point I've seen emphasized at these sites is to have patience and understand that your child is addressing uncomfortable topics because they want to improve their relationship with you - not necessarily attack or blame you for everything. Just listen.

I didn't want to make this choice. But I do believe that staying in close contact with my family was making/keeping me mentally ill.

10-31-2009, 08:16 AM	#2 (permalink)
dothi Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Anywhere but the mainstream. Posts: 402	Hi StellaBlu, I couldn't access the whole article, but got the introductory jist. I made the decision to "divorce" my alcoholic father over a year ago. It involved moving away from my entire family of origin and a lot of other sacrifices. I distanced myself from my sister with whom (in the absence of our parents) I have a good relationship with. I left behind an incredible support network of friends with whom, over a decade, I developed self-confidence enough to trust my own instincts (my AF made the repeated point of how people "out there" were only going to cheat me - that no one outside of my family would ever really care about me or want to see me happy). In spite of the good friends, I found that the pressure from my AF (and codie mother from time to time) got worse (probably because I was getting healthier in my perspective on healthy relationships). It got to the point where my anxiety became unmanageable if I had to spend any time with this man who was in complete denial about how his drunken actions hurt me. His father was a violent, controlling drunk. I never experienced any violence (being the family Hero), but I was terrified of what lengths my AF might undertake in order to "keep" me close and part of our happy family. I knew he had been aggressive towards my sister (the scapegoat) - the worst episode promptly pushing forward her decision to run away. The last night I visited with my parents before moving, he got completely hammered, came into the house, interrupted the conversation my mom and I were having, and violently pushed the table into the wall when I put up my boundary (can we talk about this when you're sober? I will not have this conversation with you while you're drunk). Then he stormed off, raging/crying about how I couldn't repay him for all the years he let me to go school (post-secondary). All I could think was that once I was gone, I wouldn't have to go through this fear and guilt-mongering again. The hardest part about the "divorce" is coping with the people I've left behind. Feeling damaged and trying to meet people in a new place is hard; the healing takes a long time. I have felt really isolated in what I'm going through (save this forum!). Since I've left I am still in contact with my mom and sister, but my brother now avoids any contact with me. Once I was moved away I was really frustrated by the complete lack of literature out there for people who've had to make this decision. How do you deal with subsequent estrangement from other family members? How do you cope with the new normal? How do you cope with the grief? Does no one EVER make this choice? Believe it or not, there appears to be more online resources for parents who have been estranged by their children than for PEOPLE facing this decision. One point I've seen emphasized at these sites is to have patience and understand that your child is addressing uncomfortable topics because they want to improve their relationship with you - not necessarily attack or blame you for everything. Just listen. I didn't want to make this choice. But I do believe that staying in close contact with my family was making/keeping me mentally ill.