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Originally Posted by dolce7dolore  I actually am a rather sociable person (I can't do intimacy, but I can do the acquaintance thing very well), and awhile ago I met this guy at an extracurricular activity thing. It's for a language course, and I bluntly asked him if he tutored (I need as much help as I can get), thinking he probably did. He didn't, but he offered to help me anyway. He did sound enthusiastic, but I thought it was just one of the socially polite moments. Then a week later, he brought it up again. I told him I would pay him, but he refused. I was under the impression that he may have been attracted to me, and so it really did (and still does) feel like I am using him.... These are things I KNOW, things that I pick up on, yet I still feel bad accepting help with nothing in return. It's such an unfathomable concept to me. Honestly that feeling makes me uncomfortable. |
I think you're handling this well. Treating it as a business transaction (of a sort) makes certain that you both know where the other is coming from, and nobody feels used.
I'm a scratch tournament bowler, and I have a coach, with whom I take a lesson every so often -- for which I insist on paying him the same amount I used to pay another coach in another state. My current coach is sort of an elder-statesman type, likes to pass his knowledge and experience along to younger bowlers, and he'd happily do it for nothing -- but I insist on paying him, because this way, I feel as though I can call him as often as I need to, and take as much of his time as I want at a lesson, without feeling obligated. He's very generous with his time, and I could take advantage of that if I wanted -- but I like it better this way.
I'm not sure there's that much of an ACA issue here -- or if there is, you're doing a good job with it. If the guy is attracted to you, well, that's obviously a whole 'nother thing -- but it's one that makes it even more of a good idea to pay him for tutoring you.
As Freud is supposed to have said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar -- and not everything in our lives necessarily boils down to our ACA issues. Or maybe I'm just in denial about this one -- who can say? :wtf2
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