hey, ready!
I can't really speak to your problem because I didn't leave him, he left me. But I can tell you that there is a pile of loving, supportive, kick-your-butt-in-a-good way folks around here to help. Spill your guts. Be honest. They will care for you.
I can say I have learned (fast!) that your situation is not unique. Nor is mine. Or anyone elses. Alcohol does yucky stuff to people and the people that hang out with alcoholics (us) have our own stuff to deal with.
What does that mean? It means the folks here can give you a good sense of what is to come with your different options. It means you can let go of TRYING SO HARD because what is controlling this situation isn't you or him - its ALCOHOL. You can continue to make good choices. You can work on yourself and who you were in that relationship and who you want to be.
Look at you! You are doing it! You are setting boundaries. You are figuring out what you and your daughter need! Hooray! Hooray! Don't give up hope!
It is painful because you are breaking open to let in (and out) LIGHT!
I found this poem today and thought it was appropos (don't know who to attribute it to):
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
That its heart may stand in the sun
So must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder
At the daily miracles of your life
Your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
and you would accept the seasons of your heart
even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields
and you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you
heals your sick self.
Therefore, trust the physician
and drink her remedy in silence and tranquility;
for her hand, though heavy and hard
is guided by the tender hand of the unseen,
and the cup she brings, through it burns your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay
which the potter has moistened with her own sacred tears.
I can just imagine being on SR for years and watching us all wash in at every tide, hurt, confused and considering change (for ourselves). (wow)
Read the stickies. Read posts. Breathe.
Good luck.