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BS08 · 10-29-2009, 09:14 PM

And as I get closer to going, the more I feel like I don't want to go.

My emotions are all over the place the closer I get to going. I haven't seen any of them in 15 years! Hell, I've never been back in my home state for 15 years. And I'm trying to get a grasp on it all. Having this whole life thrown back at me is going to be hard to take.

I talked to my therapist about it the other day and how I was feeling. What doesn't help is that as I get closer, the more I obsess about my ex, the worse I feel, and all this stuff comes up. Will they accept me? Will they even like me? Will they abandon me? Can they understand? Can the kids understand? It's just so completely overwhelming. I don't even know if I feel good about it. I just know that I feel really alone right now, that I feel I've been isolating myself and retreating. It's also really making me look at my life and seeing this huge whole of what I'm missing. I always thought I had a great life, but it's all stuff. What I've really wanted is close, loving relationships, and while I have some, they are few. It makes me feel like a failure now in this department, I've protected myself for so long, that now it's more visable. My therapist told me that this would happen. She said it's going to be hard and my focusing on my ex is a way to void feeling what I truly feel. I need to feel it, but it's just so damn hard. I keep thinking how life was so much easier a year ago, even if it was with my ex. I was happy then (in my ignorant bliss) and long to run back there. But I know I have to go through this to have my family back. It's hard for them too. I talked to my sister about it tonight and she understands. She said that there were some old childhood family friends that wanted to see me when I come back, but my older sister told them not this time. She felt it would be too much, and she's right now that I think about it. I just feel like I'm going to be bawling everywhere. It's a weird feeling right now, just kinda empty. I thought I should be happy now that this is happening. And I just don't feel happy, more depressed. My therapist said that I should stop "shoulding" all over myself. Just feel what I feel and keep communication open with my sisters. How many people get a second chance with their family like this?

Just trying to deal with this overload of feelings right now and trying to rejoin the world emotionally. Luckily, I've been so busy the past 2 weeks, haven't had much time to just sit by myself. Going to a Halloween party tomorrow night and hopefully that will help jolt me back to the land of the living. I just feel so detached right now and don't even like being around myself!

Anybody ever had to deal with these feelings reconnecting with your family?

10-29-2009, 09:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
BS08 Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 161	Going to see my sisters in 2 weeks.... And as I get closer to going, the more I feel like I don't want to go. My emotions are all over the place the closer I get to going. I haven't seen any of them in 15 years! Hell, I've never been back in my home state for 15 years. And I'm trying to get a grasp on it all. Having this whole life thrown back at me is going to be hard to take. I talked to my therapist about it the other day and how I was feeling. What doesn't help is that as I get closer, the more I obsess about my ex, the worse I feel, and all this stuff comes up. Will they accept me? Will they even like me? Will they abandon me? Can they understand? Can the kids understand? It's just so completely overwhelming. I don't even know if I feel good about it. I just know that I feel really alone right now, that I feel I've been isolating myself and retreating. It's also really making me look at my life and seeing this huge whole of what I'm missing. I always thought I had a great life, but it's all stuff. What I've really wanted is close, loving relationships, and while I have some, they are few. It makes me feel like a failure now in this department, I've protected myself for so long, that now it's more visable. My therapist told me that this would happen. She said it's going to be hard and my focusing on my ex is a way to void feeling what I truly feel. I need to feel it, but it's just so damn hard. I keep thinking how life was so much easier a year ago, even if it was with my ex. I was happy then (in my ignorant bliss) and long to run back there. But I know I have to go through this to have my family back. It's hard for them too. I talked to my sister about it tonight and she understands. She said that there were some old childhood family friends that wanted to see me when I come back, but my older sister told them not this time. She felt it would be too much, and she's right now that I think about it. I just feel like I'm going to be bawling everywhere. It's a weird feeling right now, just kinda empty. I thought I should be happy now that this is happening. And I just don't feel happy, more depressed. My therapist said that I should stop "shoulding" all over myself. Just feel what I feel and keep communication open with my sisters. How many people get a second chance with their family like this? Just trying to deal with this overload of feelings right now and trying to rejoin the world emotionally. Luckily, I've been so busy the past 2 weeks, haven't had much time to just sit by myself. Going to a Halloween party tomorrow night and hopefully that will help jolt me back to the land of the living. I just feel so detached right now and don't even like being around myself! Anybody ever had to deal with these feelings reconnecting with your family?