SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Extramarital affair, Divorce, A New Beginning...What are the chances?

luna2u · 10-29-2009, 06:47 PM

hello everyone, i'm new to the forum and am seeking advice about the man i'm involved with. i'll make this as breif as i can; i'm involved in a (very complicated) year and a half relationship with a cocaine, alcohol, sex, and rx pill addict. i'll call him DC. we are both married and in varying stages of divorce from our spouses (the divorces were brought on by our involvement with one another) it was wrong and immoral. we both understand that, but it's now done.

we were both in very unhappy marriages, became involved, fell in love (deeply, deeply in love at least on my part--not so sure about his anymore) basically planned from the start to be together. our marriages ended (HIGH drama--too much to get into)but the stress emotional strain of his divorce process led him to heavy using again (unbeknownst to me) hid it pretty well (long distance truck driver, so i wasn't seeing him so regularly)
he made an brief attempt to reconcile with his wife, and it failed...she put him out and he basically lost everything. home, vehicles, etc. needless to say his life spiraled out of control. his use became apparent. BTW, i'm still married,(separated for almost as long as i've been involved with DC)but am in the very beginning stages of divorce (while it's just a matter of time before his is finalized) my husband has been VERY violent to me during this affair, including stalking and threatening me..my husband has also attempted suicide. there have been confrontations between the two, again, stressful, high drama--long story.

fast forward. DC and i are still together, although it's very hard. he's now in a 28day inhouse treatment program. before he entered he'd entered a detox program, and was attending NA and AA meetings, which i' would attend with him when i could. i also visit with him and go to family groups in the 28 day program. my question and issue is this: i am going through ALOT with this man, it's because I love him. he has used money i'd given him to help him get his vehicle fixed ($600-800) to use drugs. i'm now in financial binds because of money i'd given him (ignorant of his use) which is very stressful to me (i support myself and my two kids alone) but still, i'm more than willing to stick it out with him. but here's the thing, he seems very reluctant to make a real committment to me. everything seems vague. he say's the only thing he is committed to is his sobriety at this point, which i understand, but i'm investing alot emotionally and spirutually into this man and i don't even KNOW what his intentions are toward me. he insists that he loves me, and that he's changed and learned so much from our being together. but yet he doesn't seem to be concrete with where we are really headed. keeps saying "you can't plan the outcome", yes but you can plan the course, can you not? he seems to really want me involved in his recovery, but won't really commit.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

10-29-2009, 06:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
luna2u Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2	Extramarital affair, Divorce, A New Beginning...What are the chances? hello everyone, i'm new to the forum and am seeking advice about the man i'm involved with. i'll make this as breif as i can; i'm involved in a (very complicated) year and a half relationship with a cocaine, alcohol, sex, and rx pill addict. i'll call him DC. we are both married and in varying stages of divorce from our spouses (the divorces were brought on by our involvement with one another) it was wrong and immoral. we both understand that, but it's now done. we were both in very unhappy marriages, became involved, fell in love (deeply, deeply in love at least on my part--not so sure about his anymore) basically planned from the start to be together. our marriages ended (HIGH drama--too much to get into)but the stress emotional strain of his divorce process led him to heavy using again (unbeknownst to me) hid it pretty well (long distance truck driver, so i wasn't seeing him so regularly) he made an brief attempt to reconcile with his wife, and it failed...she put him out and he basically lost everything. home, vehicles, etc. needless to say his life spiraled out of control. his use became apparent. BTW, i'm still married,(separated for almost as long as i've been involved with DC)but am in the very beginning stages of divorce (while it's just a matter of time before his is finalized) my husband has been VERY violent to me during this affair, including stalking and threatening me..my husband has also attempted suicide. there have been confrontations between the two, again, stressful, high drama--long story. fast forward. DC and i are still together, although it's very hard. he's now in a 28day inhouse treatment program. before he entered he'd entered a detox program, and was attending NA and AA meetings, which i' would attend with him when i could. i also visit with him and go to family groups in the 28 day program. my question and issue is this: i am going through ALOT with this man, it's because I love him. he has used money i'd given him to help him get his vehicle fixed ($600-800) to use drugs. i'm now in financial binds because of money i'd given him (ignorant of his use) which is very stressful to me (i support myself and my two kids alone) but still, i'm more than willing to stick it out with him. but here's the thing, he seems very reluctant to make a real committment to me. everything seems vague. he say's the only thing he is committed to is his sobriety at this point, which i understand, but i'm investing alot emotionally and spirutually into this man and i don't even KNOW what his intentions are toward me. he insists that he loves me, and that he's changed and learned so much from our being together. but yet he doesn't seem to be concrete with where we are really headed. keeps saying "you can't plan the outcome", yes but you can plan the course, can you not? he seems to really want me involved in his recovery, but won't really commit. Any advice would be really appreciated.