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Originally Posted by reverse  From the age of 2 and on, I had no feelings, emotions, or thoughts. WHY ON EARTH should I feel ENTITLED to continue FURTHER communication with people like this? It disgusts me to even consider it? Why should one feel compelled to continue communicating with someone who molested them growing up simply because they are "FAMILY"? That is dysfunctional. Why is it that they should be excused because they are "an alcoholic" and they can't help it? Nonsense. Just because they drink, does not mean I will not hold them to the same standards I woudl anyone else. Why should I lower my standards of respect for myself simply for their sake and b/c they are too intoxicated to know better? Would that not be continuing the dysfunction? Seriously? |
You're not compelled to continue communicating with dysfunctional relatives -- on the contrary, you have the right to cut them off. In my case, when I'm griping about my Dad (my current "qualifier" for these programs), I sometimes say that if he and I were the same age, I would have no choice but to kick him out of my life -- stop answering his phone calls, never go by and visit, and just not communicate in any way or have anything to do with him. As it is, I am not doing that -- I'm just running the clock out on him, which is possible because he's 89 and I'm 46. At this point, I don't need to win the battles, all I need to do is tie.
As for the "alcoholism is a disease, they can't help being *******s" line, which you frequently hear at Al-Anon meetings, I think this is a fundamental misunderstanding of the disease concept of alcoholism. It is a disease in the sense that there are physical reasons why some people become addicted to booze and some don't. They process alcohol differently -- for physiological reasons that have been identified -- and they react to it differently from the way "normies" do. In that sense, alcoholism is a disease. But that does not, in any way, shape, or form, excuse their behavior, and anyone who tells you it does is full of beans.
The disease concept is a good thing to keep in mind when you're dealing with someone who is struggling with his/her own life, wants to get better, and is having trouble with it. That would include my original "qualifier," who I'm married to. She went to treatment, got healthy, and has continued to work at it for upwards of 13 years now. When she was struggling, it helped to understand that alcoholism was a disease. But when you're dealing with abusive parents, no way are they excused for abusing you, just because the alcoholism part is a disease.
Or at least that's how I look at it.
T