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Hi Steve
I sat with a guy who had gone out and drunk again last week, you know i've been hitting AA for just over 3 months now...i had to stop him at one point and ask do you know you are talking insane, which took him back a bit, i just wanted to know did he know he was in the throws of insanity or, like me before AA, believed everything he said to me?! He sat there trying to figure out why he could not stop drinking for more than a few months, why he didn't have a family, why his job sucked, if only he didn't have back problems, why has his friend gone back to drinking etc...
Then last week i sat with another guy outside the front of an AA meeting who had 'relapsed' after 4 years of not drinking, i asked the same question to which he laughed and then he proceeded to tell me that as long as he stops smoking by the weekend and goes to the gym it won't be a problem...i mean wtf?!
It's great to see it, for me, as before i couldn't cos i didn't know myself at all and still thought that i should (not could) be able to control it...as for talking and being open about myself including emotions, forget about it...i'm no girl...guys deal with stuff not sit their talking about how they feel?! But now i do talk about how i feel, my point is that if you work the steps, to the best of your ability, with a sponsor you will change...
From your posts, i think AA is for you mate! I think your disease (illness...whatever you want to call it) is doing its best to **** you up by your actions of sitting alone and trying to do the stuff you should be doing with a sponsor thus re-inforcing that AA is not for you, ensuring that you, at some point, drink again and...eventually...hopefully give up on the concept of AA altogether and can get back to daily drinking...it is cunning, baffling and powerful...if it wasn't you would be doing the suggestions and you would not be drinking!
I'm sorry about your friend honestly, but just think of this for me...do you know any 'normal' non-alcoholics (if you are anything like me you won't have met many over the years, but trust me they are in the majority on this planet) that have lost close family members in the past? Do they set out on a path of self destruction? No they don't, they deal with it and it is an awful time in their life...you don't have the tools to be able to do this as you never learned how to deal with things as they did, i.e. mature in a healthy way...we just got physically older...
So there you go, for what it is worth i have listened to 5 people in the last 3 weeks who have been back out in the rooms of AA, talked to them over coffees and your post sounds like you might be closer to actually taking some action than any of them...so good luck:-)
Oh and don't worrry at all about the comment about not sure you ever want to stop drinking, of course you don't...it is your emotional crutch...you just want the pain to stop...you will understand more about this from your sponsor...go to meetings and get some numbers and ring them, pretend your life depends on it...or better don't pretend;-)
Take care
Cliff
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