[kotabear]

I've been busy with harvest at work.

My x left rehab 4 weeks ago, by the 3rd week he drink and got kicked out of his sister's... he had to be out of rehab 30 days before returning, with no money and no place to go, I let him stay with me, and took his keys for that week, it was a wonderful week.... he never went back to rehab, he asked for his keys one day to go get his motorcycle put up at his sisters... he was drunk when I got home. the next day he left..... this is today......

15.00 dollars in gas to make it from Carthage, to Quincy, back to home.

18.26 dollars in food at McDonalds to feed the kids, myself and G.

Seeing a ring on my X's finger that was from his x-girlfriend, and I believing he is lying about just finding it on his key change, priceless yet again.

G. had asked me over the weekend if it would be possible for me to bring the girls down to see him in Quincy.... where he has got a voucher from the salvation army to stay in the run down part of the Days Inn, for 30 days while looking for a job.

I called him yesterday morning to see if Monday night would work, since I didn't have to work late. In the afternoon, he wanted me to bring his food license so he could apply for a chef job (which I think is so funny, cause if you ever seen how sanitize he is after he's done cooking at home, he sure needs more classes) Let's just say keeping the cooked chicken in the microwave after eating over night, is not right, it needs to go in the fridge. He also wanted his gold clubs to pawn, and some piddle **** that I didn't bother with.

Last night I, yes I, ruined the night!!!! We arrived at the roach motel, and went in, told G that his golf clubs where in the back of the truck, when he came back in from getting them, I seen something on his finger. It was a ring. The very ring, that was such a big deal to give back to his girlfriend before he left for rehab, the ring they thought I stole off of his dresses, in turn it was daughter and she had put it in her barbie purse. I said how did you get that????? He said oh I found it on my key chain. I said well that's funny cause the week you stayed with me, I kept your keys from you and I never seen it, he reply's yeah I know... I totally forgot about it to!!!

I looked at him, and said your lying!!!

We took the kids to McDonalds, where they ate and played and I'm sure they had a wonderful time. I sat and listened to how much money he had, what his plans where for looking for jobs, and what ever other bullshit he kept talking about. I kept trying not to cry, but they would fall out every once in a while. I had found a cross at linni's in the bath rub, and I held that in my hand tight, trying to think of my cousin... and you know who you are!!! and thinking, god how does he do it!?!?

Course, G just kept on talking and I really was having a hard time being there, he told me how I was being a fool, and thinking of stuff in my head, that he found it on his key chain. That if I loved him so much, that I shouldn't hide him from my family and to let him live back with me and love him for who he is. That I don't love him, I just love the idea of him. I do love him as a person, the sober person he is, he's a dry drunk at this time, even though he told me he went out saturday with a guy that he went to school, and had a couple a couple of beers. In conversation it was let out that the guy and the old girlfriend run around in the same circle. Hmmmm

So he's story last night, was he found the ring... on the key chain.... that for the past 4 weeks of leaving rehab, living with his sister, and then with me, he never even noticed, and neither did I when I had his keys IN MY PURSE, and IN MY TRUCK that the ******* ring was on there.... Funny ******* thing!!!! Layla your just being ridiculous!!!! Your ruining the night over a ******* ring!!!!!

Ok so the whole point of the night was for him to see the girls.... so for the past hour, you have been sitting in mcdonalds telling me about what YOU are going to do, not playing with the kids, and to your 20 comments about yourself, 2 about the girls.

I feel SO used last night and SO lied to. It hurts SO much. He told me if you don't want me layla and don't care about me, you need to let me go! Well I do realize that I have to let go of him, to let him live his life the way he wants it to, which I'm sure is with booze, and woman. It just hurts, to work and take care of the girls, to see him like last night, and know how nice it is for him to be part of the family we intend, yet not to have a "contract" with him, to say I love you guys more then life it's self, that I have hit bottom, and I will do anything possible never to drink and get anger again.

If I didn't care about him, I after I divorced him a year ago, I would have not taking the girls to see him rehab, with drawn the domestic abuse charges, and taken them 50 miles on my red checkbook to see him...... but I'm the fool, cause I made a big deal about him and his little ring.

I know I've said this for the past 3 years.... but I've got to let go!!! I can't talk to him..... I can't commit to anything that he wants even if it involves the girls, cause at this point it would just make me fall back to far! The girls will wonder where daddy is, and I'm sure when he get's a job, and a place he'll be asking for his weekends, and he'll buy them things..... yada yada..... and I'll be Layla, and life will go on.......the way god intended it. With me not with the man I had thought I'd married... or I guess had hoped I married. I know I've got to be strong to be stable for the girls, cause that's what is important! That is my taking action in the situation.

And who knows maybe I'm wrong about the whole ring thing.... but after 10 years of hearing, no I haven't been drinking, to find the fifth of kessler's in the freezer the next morning... it's hard to believe when the truth may be told. To believe "his truth" as well would only just hurt me more later down the rode, when my gut feelings had told me long ago that my truth was what really was going on.

Ok have a good day!
Take care, and thanks for letting me vent!