[bluerskies]

Over a year now...only a little over a year now, it feels so much longer. I have made it through a year without someone I loved very much. Drugs took him. I don't classify him anymore as boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, all of that, why we knew each other seems unimportant. He was someone I loved and still love.

What is it to lose someone to an addiction? In some ways it feels like it was inevitable. I tried to stop it, he tried to stop it, his family tried to stop it and all of that love and all of that energy couldn't stop it. I used to wonder why he couldn't be stronger. I don't anymore. I used to feel pity for him. I don't anymore. I used to be so angry with him. I'm not anymore. I just want to feel a connection to him. I just want this slow failing of my memory to stop so that I will not truly lose him. I don't want to replace him, but I don't want a world without someone like him in it. That is the world I have now so all I can do is be thankful for what was.

Something I was reading or saw was talking about soul mates. It said that soul mates were not some perfect person, in fact they are the opposite. Someone who comes into your life and pushes you to the place where you must change/learn/grow. He was that to me and there was a little time there where he was that perfect person too.

And then there is who he was without me. I see that person now. The soul of him, the powerful force, the free spirit.

For anyone dealing with the loss of someone you loved due to addiction, I wish you strength and the ability to forgive both yourself and the person you lost. We do the best we can. We try so hard to help and be helped. Sometimes we lose the battle. Sometimes it just isn't someone's fault. Sometimes what is just is. And what is, is okay. We are not to blame. They are not to blame.