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Originally Posted by Mandjas  Thank you your are absolutely right. I was thinking just last night that maybe I could invite them over on bonfire night for a BBQ. I thought enough time will have passed and we will all be a little calmer about everything. That it would be on my territory and my terms but in reality it won't will it? If she's had a drink then my boundaries are out of the window and she will know once again that I'll put up with it.
Having a card by the phone what a great idea! I also just looked at my first post and that has reminded me of my decisions.
I keep thinking how sad Xmas will be and the opportunities we are missing out on - as I am moving back to Australia next year and very much doubt I will be back in for a long while. |
(I crack myself up sometimes.) Ya know, it's hard -- being a typical Al-Anon/ACA "fixer" type -- to bite my tongue and not give advice in these situations. The advice being, "Stick to your guns, don't let her walk all over you, there's nothing worse than making an ultimatum and then not making it stick," blah-blah.
But it looks like you've got a handle on that, as it is. Having set a boundary by writing to your AM, inviting her over for the BBQ would give her a golden opportunity to test (read: ignore) your boundary and make it go away, by showing up drunk and having you put up with it -- because, after all, what she does is "really not that bad." That's what my Dad tries to do -- not show up drunk, but ignore my boundaries and have me put up with it, etc.
As with anything else, it's all about deciding what's worth it and what isn't. If our choices are only (a) put up with the drunk or (b) have no contact with them, we have to figure out which one we want. What we'd really like, of course, is (c) they stop drinking and give us the pleasure of their sober company. But that is something only THEY can offer. We can choose (a) or (b). Those are within the "things we can change" category. Option (c) is within the "things we cannot change" category -- it can happen, but only if the other person, who is not under our control, decides to change his/her behavior.
In my case, it's a little different -- at this point, I don't give a flying you-know-what if my Dad gives up booze or not. My options are (a) put up with his attempts to manipulate me into moving back in and taking care of him (and, essentially, re-upping for another term as his serf, which I was as a kid), and (b) withdraw and have as little contact with him as possible. Option (c) -- have him suddenly decide to be sensible, stop the manipulation, and act like the great guy he has the ability to be -- is not out of the question... but I cannot make it happen. Either my Dad changes or he doesn't -- that's his call.
Serenity -- things we cannot change. Courage -- things we can. Wisdom -- knowing the difference. It's that last one that gets ya....
T