Eeeeh - it's been a tough couple of weeks.
I have had to request a social worker for my son who has been recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (High Functioning Autism) in order to assess his needs going forward into adulthood. Given the media coverage that social work gets in the UK (don't know what it is like across the pond), I found it a very difficult step to take, to put us voluntarily into this environment. Well the social worker has been very proficient and thorough in her job - my son is in good hands. As he is now classed as a vulnerable adult, she has thoroughly (and rightly) scrutinised my own family environment and interactions.
The good news is that we have passed with flying colours
but yet again I find myself raking over my past and furiously angry and raging with alcoholic father and codependent mother.
We have done nothing wrong, my son has a genetic condition and I CHOSE to put myself and my family through this unpleasant experience for the benefit of my son. As children, my brother and I needed and would have benefitted greatly from a social worker yet my parents did EXACTLY NOTHING.
The thing that cut me to the core was when the social worker quizzed me about how my daughter was affected - specifically she was asking whether I was "leaning" on my daughter for support. I emphatically assured her that we were keeping my daughter's life as normal as possible and we were not treating her like an adult and were not making her responsible for her brother and this situation. Oh the anger, the intense fury - where was the social worker quizzing my mother, telling her that her teenage daughter (me) was still a child and to let her be a child and have her childhood.
I just feel battered and bruised - will the damage my parents did to me never go away. I feel so hurt that no-one ever gave me the help and support that I needed as a child. I feel vulnerable because I have been examined in such high detail ( I keep telling myself we are not my parents, we have NOT been found wanting as parents). I feel doubly punished - I feel let down because I wasn't worth being looked after and I feel exhausted because it is an emotionally draining experience to have your own life put under the microscope.
I am trying to pull the positives from this but all I can feel is the anger. I know I am strong, I survived my childhood, I have the strength of character to do the "right" thing for my own children. Why can't I feel good about myself? I am working very hard not to feel bitter - bitter that my parents did not have the strength of character to do the right thing by me.
Uggghhhh, uggghhh and ugggghhhh
