[Maggiemac]

I write my son on a site called letter to heaven this AM I find a letter to my son for his friend. I want to share it with you all.

Well, I'm writing on here again. Maybe that means I'm getting better at missing you. If I go by the tears that fall, then I guess I'm not. But if I keep geting it out then maybe they will let up after awhile. I keep hoping that once it hits a year since you been gone it will be a corner turned, and the pain and regret and guilt will start shifting into some sort of acceptance or something along those lines. It's really hard this time of year. I went for a walk today and the sunset was so beautiful. I went to think about you, and think about our friends who are still here and still ******* up, (including me!). Wanting to make some sense of all of it, wanting your death to count for something significant, like saving a life or changing a life in some dramatic way. Not that you haven't changed all of our lives in ways I'm still discovering. I asked God if you could see the sunsets from the other end and I feel in my heart that the answer was yes. Today's was extra beautiful. It is 11 months since you have been gone today. I wore the shirt your mom gave me and wanted everyone to see it and remember you. I wish there was some way to make sure you are not forgotten, but all I can do is keep your memory alive in my heart and remind the friends we both had when I see them so that they will pray for your family and all of us who still have an empty hole where your HUGE presence in our lives used to be. It's kinda hard to think about this time last year. I wonder what it would have been like if any of us knew you only had one more month with us. I ask God why he didn't tell someone so we could've done something to stop what happened to you. I feel sick for the signs I know were there, the ways I brushed them aside or missed them. I know they say hindsight is 20-20, but it really does seem like I should've been more alert to what was going on, or that I messed up because because I didn't push harder and didn't try harder to talk to you, or track you down better, or just have my priorities straighter back then. Lukie still looks at your picture on my miror and says you live in Jesus' house now. He still remembers you, can you believe it? All I know is I still miss you. I still think about calling you, or hearing your footsteps on my porch, or you pounding on my door and yelling my name, or walking down the street when I look out and yelling out the window for you. Just sitting here while you read my paper and waited for me to hurry up for no good reason or so we could go look for something to do or someone to visit, I never want to forget the every day stuff. The comfortableness of having a friend like you that could bust in on me anytime and I didn't mind. I know you are in a better place now. I know it's selfish because no place here is better now that you'll never be in any of them. But maybe that's not totally the truth. Don't be sad when I say this but I know it feels good not to have to worry about you anymore. It feels good that the fear of what might happen to you is gone now. Even though it's been replaced with that my worst fears came true and the loss you have left in place of it, I will always be grateful for the friend I had in you. I will make sure you are at the top of the things I am thankful for this thanksgiving. I promise you, I am thankful for every part of you, the good and the not-so-good. I guess it is what it is, and all of it is who you will always be in my life and heart. I need you to know that I am not mad at you for any of it. I always understood why you couldn't face this world straight on. It's okay, Jason. I loved you in spite of all of it back then, and still do now. I always will, too. You will always be remembered in this house and in this tiny family. We were always happy to see you. You were a part of us down here and still are. I really hope and pray that God lets you really read these letters. I love & miss you like crazy STILL, Jas! Just knowing you are happy now makes it better. I remain always looking forward to seeing you again in Heaven. I hope I hear you before I see you there, too, just like here. I always love finding you whenever I heard your big mouth and knew you were somewhere near. I look forward to finding you like that in Heaven, too. I end this with a smile through my tears just thinking about that. Your loving friend ALWAYS, jules