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Blondie · 10-20-2009, 12:50 PM

It has been about 10 months since I left my STXAH. I will get the ball rolling on the divorce in January. When I looked back on my 18 year marriage, I came to realize that I am convinced that he never really loved ME. My counselor had mentioned this some months ago and it took me this long to get my mind around it. He never loved who I really was or who I am now. He didn't even know me or take the time to know me - ever. I believe that it was in my unconscious mind all of the time, I just never wanted to accept it. All the signs were there. He couldn't tell you where I went to high school, my favorite flower, what my hopes and dreams are for the future, or what he likes about me, etc, etc, etc. When I was sick or in pain he would complain about his needs being met. If anything took my attention away from him (collage, church, the children, illness, a dying family member) he would have a tantrum and there would be he** to pay. That is not the sign of someone that cares about you at all. I just don't think it was possible for him to love anyone. It was a sick relationship.

It finally hit home when I went back to NJ and took the kids for the first time in years (my biological dad had never seen his grandchildren). He came and visited us at my sister's house. He walked in, sat down, said hi, and proceeded to play with my sister's dogs. I tried to start a conversation with him, but he just grunted or laughed and kept playing with the dogs. He stayed for about 1/2 an hour and then went home, never to return. After that I got very depressed and didn't know why. It then occurred to me that that is always the way he was. I believe that it is uncomfortable for him to show affection or be vulnerable. I felt rejected. He was always kind of distant and never showed affection or said I Love You in his life (even though I told him). He wasn't an alcoholic but was very, very abused when he was younger. After I got back I realized that my dad was never there for me and didn't really love me (I believe he doesn't know how to love or is afraid to open up). I tried for years to please him or make him love me, but nothing ever worked. He never hated me or anything and was never abusive, he was just always very, very distant. It was then that I just accepted that that is the way he is. I can't change that. I don't hate him or have bitterness toward him, that is just who he is.

I then realized that I was repeating the same pattern in my marriage that my parents had. I married a man that couldn't love no matter how or what I tried or what I said. I was repeating the pattern and just refused to give up until he loved me. When I accepted this fact 100% without bitterness or anger anymore, I was finally released. It is what it is. I had a huge feeling of relief that is hard to explain. I was trying to perform the impossible. My STXAH is who he is, and I can't change that either. It's not my job anyway. I took all of his stuff for years (cheating, drinking, lying, verbal abuse, etc) and tried to be perfect in the hopes of making him love me. "Look what a good woman I am, now love me please." But it never would have happened in a million years. I have made the choice to walk away from the pattern and the madness and now I am free. I am at peace with it now.

10-20-2009, 12:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Blondie Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Georgia Posts: 338	He Never Loved Me It has been about 10 months since I left my STXAH. I will get the ball rolling on the divorce in January. When I looked back on my 18 year marriage, I came to realize that I am convinced that he never really loved ME. My counselor had mentioned this some months ago and it took me this long to get my mind around it. He never loved who I really was or who I am now. He didn't even know me or take the time to know me - ever. I believe that it was in my unconscious mind all of the time, I just never wanted to accept it. All the signs were there. He couldn't tell you where I went to high school, my favorite flower, what my hopes and dreams are for the future, or what he likes about me, etc, etc, etc. When I was sick or in pain he would complain about his needs being met. If anything took my attention away from him (collage, church, the children, illness, a dying family member) he would have a tantrum and there would be he** to pay. That is not the sign of someone that cares about you at all. I just don't think it was possible for him to love anyone. It was a sick relationship. It finally hit home when I went back to NJ and took the kids for the first time in years (my biological dad had never seen his grandchildren). He came and visited us at my sister's house. He walked in, sat down, said hi, and proceeded to play with my sister's dogs. I tried to start a conversation with him, but he just grunted or laughed and kept playing with the dogs. He stayed for about 1/2 an hour and then went home, never to return. After that I got very depressed and didn't know why. It then occurred to me that that is always the way he was. I believe that it is uncomfortable for him to show affection or be vulnerable. I felt rejected. He was always kind of distant and never showed affection or said I Love You in his life (even though I told him). He wasn't an alcoholic but was very, very abused when he was younger. After I got back I realized that my dad was never there for me and didn't really love me (I believe he doesn't know how to love or is afraid to open up). I tried for years to please him or make him love me, but nothing ever worked. He never hated me or anything and was never abusive, he was just always very, very distant. It was then that I just accepted that that is the way he is. I can't change that. I don't hate him or have bitterness toward him, that is just who he is. I then realized that I was repeating the same pattern in my marriage that my parents had. I married a man that couldn't love no matter how or what I tried or what I said. I was repeating the pattern and just refused to give up until he loved me. When I accepted this fact 100% without bitterness or anger anymore, I was finally released. It is what it is. I had a huge feeling of relief that is hard to explain. I was trying to perform the impossible. My STXAH is who he is, and I can't change that either. It's not my job anyway. I took all of his stuff for years (cheating, drinking, lying, verbal abuse, etc) and tried to be perfect in the hopes of making him love me. "Look what a good woman I am, now love me please." But it never would have happened in a million years. I have made the choice to walk away from the pattern and the madness and now I am free. I am at peace with it now. __________________ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.