| Forgiveness & Anger...
Forgiveness is my biggest struggle...with all my family drama and 35 years of unspoken feelings.. I am Mad.. and sad.. and not ready to forgive.....
I have sooo many ppl tell me to "just do it",, say the words and I'll FEEL the forgiveness.
It not that easy.. that also reinforced the message of my youth, that I'm not allowed to feel what i feel..
I cannot really forgive while I am still angry.. I dont know how long it will take..My anger is deeper than my ability to forgive right now.. and i think I should be allowed to feel what i want to for as long as i need to without ppl telling me what I NEED to do regarding my feelings..
I have rage inside me.. built up since i was a child... ignored in my own home..no one to protect me..no one to have my back.. listen or believe what i am feeling.
For once i would LOVE to meet someone who believed in me and had my back no matter what.. someone who wants to go out of their way for me... someone who wanted to know my true feelings and didnt try to silence me.
as an adult.. some ppl see me as a loose cannon.. and extreme liberal. i can assure you that comes from a lifetime of me turning to my mother and other family members for help, assistance, support, or reassurance and always being told.. thats not true.. its not a big deal... and the most popular.. dont say anything or YOUR gonna start trouble..
I have completely detached from my biological family. they think iM Krazee.. of course.. because i'm no longer willing to PLay the games and have them do to my son what was done to me.
they will never change.. they dont want to.. dont see anything wrong with how they are. I AM THE PROBLEM.....
they dont deserve my forgiveness.. I dont actively seek vengence on them i have simply moved on.....
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