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You give a perfect description of the roller coaster:
When he is not drinking my life is peaceful but when he is drinking I hate him and I always say to myself I must leave him but then feel guilty and anxious.
I lived my life for a long time having given the A's control over the ups and downs of my life. What a nightmare. It seems so obvious now, but looking back I really had to learn and accept that I could step off this roller coaster ANYTIME I wanted to. I just had to make that choice and commit to a plan of action to keep me off that ride!
AlAnon helped me with that, and counseling, and reading books about alcoholic family dynamics and codependency.
It may not be easy, at first, to put on the brakes and step off, but it is worth it!
peace-
b
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