I've been reading and listening here for a little while and putting off writing this b/c I hate to type (lol) and I think I don't want to see it in black and white. I'm afraid for some reason..? I'm working on the why.
I recently "discovered" the my H is an alcoholic. At least that is my thoughts on the matter. I always considered his drinking problematic but never used the word alcoholism. He and I would discuss it on occasion but not often b/c it was a subject that could make him very angry. We even talked about it in couple's therapy at one point. It was one of the bigger issues that I had with him, our therapist seemed to consider it not much of a problem and asked AH to get **** drunk when I was not around- maybe downstairs in the basement so I would not have to see or experience it. Said therapist had a similar reaction to his affair (when I was pregnant with #2). Called the affair relatively benign.
So between things he told me & the professional advice we received I never uttered the word alcoholic.
In the past year I have been in touch with an old friend/ex that has 13 yrs sober. We have talked a lot and when he told me he was a recovering alcoholic I opened up about AH. Since that conversation he has been gently recommending that I go to Al Anon.... and after many months I ended up here & at my first meeting.
For a while I sat in denial. He's "functional" (he's really not- depends on the day) he's never hit me (this is a plus?!) he's a good father to our boys (when he feels like it) he never drinks during the day, he loves me very much...etc.
The truth is that he's progressively getting worse and drinking more. His drinking has clouded his judgement. He owns his own business & for the past years things have been getting worse and worse. He's a proud man, used to brag that his parents never gave him a penny since he left home after HS and in the past year we have borrowed a significant amount of $$ from his Dad (in the form of a loan that I will now be responsible for paying 1/2 of), my Dad has paid our mortgage 3X this year (and given me other $) and his brother recently gave him some $. We lost our health insurance, over the summer there were times when I didn't have $ for groceries or gas. My children have needed new shoes, dental check ups and countless other things that help a family function in a normal capacity.
I've spent more time than I can believe banging my head on the wall trying to figure out
why he won't take care of us. I have cried & yelled and screamed to friends & my Dad about why he won't choose us- if not me then them.... his CHILDREN.
He is capable. He has the education. Graduated from one our our countries
service academies, was a military officer and has a masters degree. We live in a part of the country where jobs are plentiful for people with his qualifications.
Why wouldn't he choose us??? Then I came here and started reading. Then I went to Al Anon.
I began to test out the word.... alcoholic. Could that really be him? Do I really have to go into recovery too? Is this us?
Is this the reason he rages at me? The reason blames me for everything that is wrong? He's actually looked me in the eye and said that I am the reason for everything that is wrong in his life. The first time I heard it I flipped out. Yelled back. Called friends and said WTF? After hearing several times began to question myself, my thoughts, my words, my feelings. I have said on several occasions that I feel like I'm
crazy. He makes me feel absolutely crazy.
I am a strong woman. Many of my friends from my past have said the same things to me. "What happened to you?" The woman we used to know would have NEVER put up with this BS.
In this relationship I have lost my voice. Gone silent b/c of the fear of what happens when I fight back. I've
begged him to stay when he was in love with another woman & was crying, holding and nursing our second child. He has never apologized for that, has said it was a good thing for our relationship.
Seriously.
Begged him to stay last year when he wanted a divorce and we separated for 9 months.
I have been silent when I wanted to yell. I have been still when I wanted to run. I have been afraid to leave. I have had panic attacks when I have thought of going it alone. I have been so scared. I still am.
We are in financial ruin. I have a job that I love but will not support 3 people (me + kids). I don't know how much I can count on him financially. He says he will pay child support and alimony but if his past actions are any indication then I cannot count on that.
I have been keeping him on very little contact for the past 6 weeks or so. I had a melt down (my bottom) when the mortgage came due and was about to go unpaid for the 4th month. He was taking a very casual attitude about it, I was not sleeping, have severe stomach pain at night wondering if I would come home to a house that had been foreclosed on. He forbid us for the longest time to pick up certified mail from the post office b/c he didn't want to be called back into the military. As if avoiding a letter could keep him out if they wanted him back... So I was afraid that the bank would send notices & we would not get them and one day the house would be locked up & I would be locked out. He seemed unfazed.
He moved back into the basement and has been living there. That is where he lived last year when we were separated. He's sad. He's sober (at least right now). He's quit & restarted many times in the past (to include earlier this summer) so I don't hold much hope that this will last.
He has asked me to sit down & talk with him this weekend to make a plan, discuss finances. I am scared. Frankly I'd rather have a root canal with no pain meds than deal with this. But I know it must be done. I've been living in limbo, not knowing what or where this is going. I want out. He's knows it and he's very sad.
At this point I
know that I won't go back to him. Too much pain, too much water under the bridge. Too much living in fear. Too much crying, anger and insanity.
I'm afraid that this will push him back to the bottle. I know that's his choice, but I am feeling very guilty that I am hurting him.
If anyone has advice of how to deal with this conversation I'd appreciate it. I've already told him that I want to stick to the facts only- what we need to do & how we need to do it, but he's a master manipulator & talks circles around me.
Thanks for letting me share
