[Liv]

Hi - just wanted to get some feedback from everyone. Long story short - after 5 years of sobriety I decided to wean myself off my anti-depressants I had been taking for OCD and depression (yes I know I should have done it with a doctor!) I had been on them for over a decade and wanted to see how I felt off of them (my husband and I had moved up to Alaska and instead of seeking out a new psychiatrist I thought "I'll just slowly taper off". I took a year to taper off - did it very very slowly and felt better with each taper.

However, towards the end I was running out of meds and figured I could handle speeding the last bit of taper up. Well, I was okay off of them for about 6 weeks and then experienced THE WORST anxiety/withdrawal I had ever felt. I had using thoughts which scared the crap out of me. I had been through a relapse in the past and was willing to do anything to avoid that. Shared everything with my sponsor about how I was feeling. I could not afford a doctor/had no insurance and came across a website that offered natural help for people trying to get off SSRIs. I ordered a product called passion flower that is supposed to help with anxiety and it actually worked well for me. I actually took less than was recommended 'cause I wanted to be careful .I felt better and told my sponsor I was taking it which she said was okay. But then I started to feel weird about taking something without a doctor's advice and talked to this woman in AA who is a pharmacist and she tells me I am using. My sponsor told me NO WAY was it a relapse, that I shouldn't let what she said bother me but, basically I felt horrible and like I had done something wrong. I stopped taking it the moment I thought it might be questionable but was left with a horrible obsession that I f***** up and relapsed and might as well go ahead and drink/use. Now, I know one of the biggest aspects of my disease has been self-pity/beating myself up for things I had no business thinking twice about. I know I was not trying to get a buzz/get high when I took the supplement. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was worried that the anxiety I was feeling was going to lead me to use again. Just wanted to be able to show up for my life - be a Mom, go to work, etc. Now, my disease (the addiction and the OCD) wants me to believe "Oh - well you were having using thoughts during the anxiety so subconsciously you took it to get high and you relapsed so you should just go out". I wasn't working as strong of a program then either because of the anxiety and that gives my disease another reason to beat myself up. I really never for ONE SECOND thought that I was doing anything wrong. But that disease voice/obsession is so strong.

I have managed to learn through recovery/therapy that my DISEASE as well as my OCD which is called "the doubting disease" work really nicely together to set me up to use. They want to use it as an excuse to go out and I have to distinguish between that voice and the gentle,loving voice of my HP - but honestly, I am having a hard time doing that. Someone told me "relapse is a choice" and if I wanted to use I would have really USED. I HONESTLY thought that "natural" or "herbal" meant safe. I did some research on it and it is similar to Valerian root and other things in the health food store - they even have passion flower in those sleepytime teas people get. I know a drink or a drug is only going to make things worse, but I am beating myself up and need some support. I have since gone back to the doctors and am taking a lower dose of meds than I was on which has helped alot. Would love to hear from anyone with experience with any of this - Thank you!