SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - How do I start with having the 'setting boundaries' coversation?

takincareome · 10-14-2009, 12:15 PM

A few things to consider. First off, unless you want to, you definitely are not required to have any sort of conversation at all with her. I didn't have any sort of discussion with my mother as in, "I'm going to start setting boundaries." I just ... started setting boundaries. My situation is a little different but basically she is a codependent who has expected me to take care of her my whole life. That's extended to financial caretaking. She continues to make bad financial choices and sits there with her hand out for me and my brother. This last time, I told her no. I didn't make an excuse. I didn't say I didn't have it, because she knows I do. I said, "I'm sorry. I really can't."

She went crazy, attacked me etc. This was via e-mail. I didn't respond. It took a couple of weeks but she came around. We have not discussed what happened. Is our relationship the same? No. Does it need to be? No. Am I OK with that? Yes.

So really, you don't have to have a big confrontation. Let's say, for instance, that she wants to see your son. That's great, you say. But for the record, if you want to see him, here are the conditions. You don't have to be nasty about this, say it as nicely as you can. I would probably cloak it under the auspices as, "I know you love him as much as I do and we both want to keep him safe." But make no mistake about letting her know this is how it's going to be, and if she does anything to put him in jeopardy, that's it.

If she doesn't accept that, I know it will be hard, but keep looking at it this way: it's not your problem. She has a choice. She can abide by your conditions and see her grandson, or she can not. It's entirely up to her. She is a grown woman and she is capable of choosing however she wants.

Since you guys haven't had contact for a couple of weeks, it's probably hard to just start up acting normal, and I get that. You could just tell her that you took a break and have been doing some thinking.

I think it would be helpful as well to perhaps talk to a counselor about this who can work with you in learning to detach. Al-anon has been helpful for me, but my therapist has also been helpful -- hard to talk so much about your specific situation in an al-anon meeting.

In the meantime, get your hands on everything you can read regarding boundary-setting and detachment. And don't be too hard on yourself. This is a PROCESS, there are no "right answers" and there is no point when you will know everything here. Just do what you feel is right and try not to get upset.

It's hard for me to describe it, but I think my recovery actually started a while back, WAY back, when I tried to turn my mother down for money and she was railing at me on the phone. I thought, "Wow, I never knew you were so manipulative." For the first time, I could hear the desperation in her voice. Until then, we were enmeshed and she could do no wrong.

Now, lots of times I feel like I'm watching my parents' behavior through a window. I feel strangely removed from all their drama, although sometimes of course the old pattern takes over and I get sucked back in. But I think that "click" in my head was what started it. Try to find your own "click." Everything gets different after that. Note I didn't say better, because sometimes it's painful. But overall I know I'm on the right track and probably for the first time in my life, I'm taking care of myself. (Hence takincareome.)

I'm wishing you lots of love and hugs. Please try to relax about this and be gentle with yourself. xoxo. (sorry for the novel!)

10-14-2009, 12:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
takincareome Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!) Posts: 108	A few things to consider. First off, unless you want to, you definitely are not required to have any sort of conversation at all with her. I didn't have any sort of discussion with my mother as in, "I'm going to start setting boundaries." I just ... started setting boundaries. My situation is a little different but basically she is a codependent who has expected me to take care of her my whole life. That's extended to financial caretaking. She continues to make bad financial choices and sits there with her hand out for me and my brother. This last time, I told her no. I didn't make an excuse. I didn't say I didn't have it, because she knows I do. I said, "I'm sorry. I really can't." She went crazy, attacked me etc. This was via e-mail. I didn't respond. It took a couple of weeks but she came around. We have not discussed what happened. Is our relationship the same? No. Does it need to be? No. Am I OK with that? Yes. So really, you don't have to have a big confrontation. Let's say, for instance, that she wants to see your son. That's great, you say. But for the record, if you want to see him, here are the conditions. You don't have to be nasty about this, say it as nicely as you can. I would probably cloak it under the auspices as, "I know you love him as much as I do and we both want to keep him safe." But make no mistake about letting her know this is how it's going to be, and if she does anything to put him in jeopardy, that's it. If she doesn't accept that, I know it will be hard, but keep looking at it this way: it's not your problem. She has a choice. She can abide by your conditions and see her grandson, or she can not. It's entirely up to her. She is a grown woman and she is capable of choosing however she wants. Since you guys haven't had contact for a couple of weeks, it's probably hard to just start up acting normal, and I get that. You could just tell her that you took a break and have been doing some thinking. I think it would be helpful as well to perhaps talk to a counselor about this who can work with you in learning to detach. Al-anon has been helpful for me, but my therapist has also been helpful -- hard to talk so much about your specific situation in an al-anon meeting. In the meantime, get your hands on everything you can read regarding boundary-setting and detachment. And don't be too hard on yourself. This is a PROCESS, there are no "right answers" and there is no point when you will know everything here. Just do what you feel is right and try not to get upset. It's hard for me to describe it, but I think my recovery actually started a while back, WAY back, when I tried to turn my mother down for money and she was railing at me on the phone. I thought, "Wow, I never knew you were so manipulative." For the first time, I could hear the desperation in her voice. Until then, we were enmeshed and she could do no wrong. Now, lots of times I feel like I'm watching my parents' behavior through a window. I feel strangely removed from all their drama, although sometimes of course the old pattern takes over and I get sucked back in. But I think that "click" in my head was what started it. Try to find your own "click." Everything gets different after that. Note I didn't say better, because sometimes it's painful. But overall I know I'm on the right track and probably for the first time in my life, I'm taking care of myself. (Hence takincareome.) I'm wishing you lots of love and hugs. Please try to relax about this and be gentle with yourself. xoxo. (sorry for the novel!)