[xpartyeee]

This is my third thred I have started so I hope to get a response from this. Yes I am an addict and I do believe in God. Here are my inner thoughts and feelings. I have always believed in God and believe Jesus died for our sins and I confirmed and Baptised. I am a believer. Throughout my drug use I have gone through fazes. ( Excuse me if I ramble I am trying to put feelings into thoughts) Prior to starting drugs in H.S. 15 years ago I always went to church with my family prayed at night and always felt a connection with God from my faith. When I would get heavy into drugs I would not go church I can't remember praying and cannot remember the connection with him it is almost like it wasn't there. My feelings push me towrds believing that the things that happened to make me get clean were his doing. The reason I say this is the minute I got clean God was back the feeling of love returned. The feeling of security returned. I felt it the most this last time but remeber it from others. When I got clean and went to church I felt the connection it was tingle through my whole bady like he was telling me somethinng approving of my decision. I want nothing more than to help others get though the pains and hardships they have to give everyone that fighting chance. Its like God has always pushed me in this direction. Ok the next is really personal but I am going to share it anywase. I was arrested when I was 18 at the beginning of my career with drugs. I had been using for 3 years was hooked on Meth. I was arrested with an amount that should have sent me away for a long time but I was extremely lucky and got deferred adjutication for 8 years. That is probation but if you finish it without issues your felony goes away. While on this I met my x-wife she was messed up on drugs at the time. Not the right choice or a good one by far but when I met here I had 2 years of Sobriety the longest time I have been off drugs in the last 15 years. I believed that I could change her save her get her to live a better life. I realy believed in a sort of selfish way that by trying to save her that I could make up maybe my drug use which at that time I looked at asbeing really bad. Well it was ok at first but I didn't stay stron I fell back into the life. No excuses but I sort of flipped out when I have found out I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and my spine was falling apart and oh did I blow it I was back on Meth all over again and this was really bad because I was on Probation. Well some how God protected me over the next several years until my health got really bad and I had to move home because I was almost bed ridden. That is when I started to get clean again and was connected with God again and was a good path I was healthy after 6 months working going to church seperated from the xwife though everything was going good for me. Then I thought I was ready but wasn't the xwife wanted to get back together and needed help so I helped her got back together went several more months until it came crashing down again relapse God gone heII was back so after several months it wasn't working were we where at so we moved up too MN stayed with aunt for awhile got clean was great for year and a half clean working awsome God was back. Then moved out and was ok for a few months and all of a sudden like night and day the drugs were back and he was shortly gone again we moved to PA were he really wasn't and the drug addiction just got out of control. That is when I said ENOUGH!!! I came home I came home to family and God was there. I guess the whole point to all of this this viscouse cycle is God was always there to help me pick up the pieces. God doesn't judge me. God isnt ashamed of me. God has always found some way to get me back on the good and righteous path. It has been painful but God has a plan somewere in my experiences to allow me to do something great. I don not know what it is yet. But I am starting to be aware of his plans for me. Thankyou for listening I really appreciat it.