lol...yup.
I have a horrible (pre-sobriety) past with men, but my past with women isn't so hot, either. Even the men who "made me feel" unlovable, ugly, stupid, objectified, etc., etc., though, seemed easier to manipulate than women. I felt like I was in competition with other women. If I felt this degraded, I at least had to prove to myself that I was better than them.
I don't know when it changed, but it did. Somewhere in the midst of that fourth step, I saw how much my resentments isolated me, how little love I was able to receive because I wasn't really willing to give it, not without expectation, anyway, and then it's not really love, is it? If I feel an individual, male or female, is deliberately disrespectful and granting them love and tolerance doesn't seem to make a difference, I love and tolerate them from a distance
Keep trudging on that 4th step. When you complete the next few, I can almost guarantee your heart will begin to change. When you begin making amends, even more incredible things will happen. Then one day, you'll realize that you're just as good as anyone else -- no better, no worse, but just as good.
Peace & Love,
Sugah