[freya]

Well, I've been talking for the last few months in my other thread on this forum about how it seems, since the end of April, that I am going forward in trust wherever I am being lead by HP regardless of whether I consciously want to or not and regardless of whether or not my rational mind --hitherto pretty much always "in charge" -- thinks that's a good, safe idea or not.

And, over the last week, I have become even more concretely aware of the whole shift involved in this. My partner and I broke up last Wednesday...and this was something that had been really needing to happen...and so it happened, kinda with a little push from HP and lots of guidance and support from HP, and with me just going along with The Plan.......and that's fine.

But, the thing is, really, truly it is fine.....and really, truly I am fine.

And that is kind of blowing my mind.

I mean, I do feel some sadness, and I have had some really pathetically silly moments of "euphoric recall," and today I had a day where I had to keep stopping to center myself / reconnect because I was just pretty much distracted all day. But, overall, I am doing amazingly well......and through it all I have this core, fundamental sense that I am OK, that I've done OK, and that everything is and will be OK....and that any of the other, slightly disturbing and unsettling feelings are just like a bit of natural (I am almost tempted to say "superficial", but that sounds dismissive of my emotions and of the importance, nature and duration of my relationship with my (ex) partner) turbulence around a center in which all is well.

And, I've said this elsewhere and talked about it at a few meetings and with a few trusted people -- both in program and not: it feels like this fundamental OK-ness is very much about my relationship with HP being strong and being, in some sense, my primary relationship. And, clearly, that's a good thing....but it also freaks me out a bit and feels a bit uncomfortable.

Not that I'm planning to run off and join a convent or anything! (Actually just read a very interesting article on CarnalNation -- a sex-ed site -- about recent research that shows that people who are "most spiritual" are also more sexual and more open to sexual experimentation...that was kinda cool as I've been dealing/working a lot lately with and thinking about the connection between sexuality and spirituality.......) But it has kinda brought home to me in a very powerful way that my life -- and the way I lived my life -- has been pretty much totally reorganized/rearranged/reoriented.

The closest and most easily accessible metaphor I can come up to illustrate this "reorientation" is to say that where I am right now is to a 2009 sun-in-the-center map of the solar system as where I was 6 years ago (before I came into program) is to a medieval earth-in-the-center map of the solar system.

And it just feels weird......and I've been thinking about something I've heard someone whose recovery I really admire say frequently in meetings: "When I got sober, I had no sober history, no experience of living sober. So, I had to learn how to do everything I had always done drunk, sober. The first time I had a break-up in sobriety or the first time someone died or the first time I had I had a fight with someone at work, I had to do all those things sober which, for me, was like doing them for the first time period."

Yeah, I guess that's pretty much how navigating my life with this new, HP orientation is going to be. Instead of My way, my time; it's HP's way, HP's time.

...and, yeah, it's so different that it might as well be the first time.

freya