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takincareome · 10-07-2009, 01:35 PM

I can so identify with this, P&H.
I apologize for telling this story again, to those who already know it:

My codie mom (very very affected by AF) has expected me to take care of her since I was very young -- be her cheerleader, wailing wall etc. She is terrible with finances, deeply in debt and continues to make bad choices. But she got in the habit of expecting me and my brother to be her financial caretakers too.

A month or two ago, just days after she sent me an e-mail about how she and her friends were talking about going on a cruise for their birthdays, she asked me for $380 to pay her health insurance. I said no. And I didn't sugar coat it like I have in the past either. I just said, "I'm sorry. I really can't."

She went *crazy*. Nasty nasty e-mail to me about how much she's always done for me, I'm so ungrateful, I just don't care about her etc. etc. Normally, I would have jumped right in and done what she wanted. But I didn't. I didn't do anything. I didn't respond.

There was a long period of silence that lasted a couple of weeks. Honestly, that couple of weeks was one of the hardest things I've been through. I constantly thought about contacting her. But I didn't, because a) I was still angry about this and b) I knew that's what she really wanted me to do, and I'm determined not to play this game anymore.

After a while, she emailed me and asked if I was speaking to HER yet. I said, I never stopped speaking to you.

We're on decent terms now but it's been rough. As my therapist says, we are relearning the "dance." I know she has no idea what's come over me, but I'm determined not to put up with or enable her behavior any more.

I constantly repeated to myself my reasons for doing what I did (not gonna put up with this anymore; know I'm doing the right thing, etc). And I also knew that if I "gave in" I would be angry at myself. I thought about it and decided that I would rather HER be angry at me than ME be angry at me.

So give that some thought. Did it feel good to respond that way? I know it did. You know you did the right thing and you know it was an important step in the right direction. Why don't you write down some of those thoughts and maybe keep them handy for moments when you're feeling weak?

If you are really worried about her well-being maybe you could ask someone (another relative or friend) that you trust to make sure she is OK and let you know. If this could be done on the QT that would be even better.

Stay true to what you know you need to do. This is most likely her playing on your worries regarding her health -- that's what she wants you to do. Don't play her game anymore.

Hugs. Best of luck to you.

10-07-2009, 01:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
takincareome Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!) Posts: 108	I can so identify with this, P&H. I apologize for telling this story again, to those who already know it: My codie mom (very very affected by AF) has expected me to take care of her since I was very young -- be her cheerleader, wailing wall etc. She is terrible with finances, deeply in debt and continues to make bad choices. But she got in the habit of expecting me and my brother to be her financial caretakers too. A month or two ago, just days after she sent me an e-mail about how she and her friends were talking about going on a cruise for their birthdays, she asked me for $380 to pay her health insurance. I said no. And I didn't sugar coat it like I have in the past either. I just said, "I'm sorry. I really can't." She went crazy. Nasty nasty e-mail to me about how much she's always done for me, I'm so ungrateful, I just don't care about her etc. etc. Normally, I would have jumped right in and done what she wanted. But I didn't. I didn't do anything. I didn't respond. There was a long period of silence that lasted a couple of weeks. Honestly, that couple of weeks was one of the hardest things I've been through. I constantly thought about contacting her. But I didn't, because a) I was still angry about this and b) I knew that's what she really wanted me to do, and I'm determined not to play this game anymore. After a while, she emailed me and asked if I was speaking to HER yet. I said, I never stopped speaking to you. We're on decent terms now but it's been rough. As my therapist says, we are relearning the "dance." I know she has no idea what's come over me, but I'm determined not to put up with or enable her behavior any more. I constantly repeated to myself my reasons for doing what I did (not gonna put up with this anymore; know I'm doing the right thing, etc). And I also knew that if I "gave in" I would be angry at myself. I thought about it and decided that I would rather HER be angry at me than ME be angry at me. So give that some thought. Did it feel good to respond that way? I know it did. You know you did the right thing and you know it was an important step in the right direction. Why don't you write down some of those thoughts and maybe keep them handy for moments when you're feeling weak? If you are really worried about her well-being maybe you could ask someone (another relative or friend) that you trust to make sure she is OK and let you know. If this could be done on the QT that would be even better. Stay true to what you know you need to do. This is most likely her playing on your worries regarding her health -- that's what she wants you to do. Don't play her game anymore. Hugs. Best of luck to you.