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Outvoid · 10-03-2009, 02:09 AM

That' s me in the title. I was an strong atheist (and a nihilist) for 10 years but today I have a relationship with a Higher Power that I call God.

I'm a alcoholic and recovering sex addict. Sex addiction is my primary addiction, but alcohol and pot are close seconds.

When I first had my Moment of Clarity, I was sitting on my back porch when I realized that my life have become completely unmanageable and that I couldn't fix my addiction by myself. That was the beginning of my recovery, but my spiritual recovery was not to begin for two years.

Just as there are many kinds of theists (believers in a god), there are also many kinds of atheists (disbelievers in a god). In my experience, there are actually not that many true atheists. Most people who claim to be atheist are merely anti-religious (due to their personal history), or anti-Christian.

However, I spent a good 5 years doing philosophical and theological research, having discussions with believers, and really trying to understand faith. In the end, I found it lacking.

So when I came into recovery, I had a strong aversion to the word "God" and the concept of a Higher Power as a supernatural being. My first higher power was simply those who were in recovery. That was an HP that I could see and believe in.

I struggled with my recovery for the first two years because I simply would not accept the idea of a God nor listen to those who spoke of spirituality.

After leaving the International SAA convention of 2008, I was back at home, sitting in the bathtub, reading the Big Book.

One paragraph in particular struck me from Bill's Story, page 11:

"Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not; there had been no more power in him than there was at me at this moment, and this was none at all."

Thinking back to the convention, I remember many conversations I had with my fellow addicts. I knew damn well that they had no more power than me. Yet, they had something I did not: a inner strength that came from a power greater than themselves.

Suddenly, it came to me that this power had to come from somewhere else. All my years of philosophical pondering, introspection, and debate went right out the window as I was able to see this simple truth for the first time.

Right there, still dripping wet, I climbed out of the tub and got down on my knees and prayed. I still remember what I prayed to this day:

"God, if there is a god, please let me do your will. I can't do this by myself. I need your help if you're out there. Please make me your servant; I leave nothing for myself. Help me to do your will."

And then..... WHOOSH.

Suddenly, I felt a love and a presence come over me and into me on a completely and previously unknown level. I felt it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I felt a growing warmth and wholeness that words cannot adequately express.

I felt God's presence for the first time in my life.

More than that, I knew that God had always been with me and was just waiting for me to give myself completely with an honest, sincere heart. It was the most amazing and wonderful experience I have ever had in my life.

I finally understood faith and spiritual connectedness.

It's been two years since the presence of God made itself known to me. Since I am relatively new to having God in my life, I still struggle with maintaining my faith and my spiritual practice from time to time.

But what I am learning is that my spiritual health is just as important (if not more so) as my physical and emotional health.

My conception of God is not the god of the Christians, Muslims, Jews, or any other religion, nor am I a member of any. I find that all religions have value and wisdom and truths, but they are not for me by choice. I don't see God as either male nor female nor humanlike in any conception of the term. However, I believe that God loves all of us and is willing to help us if we ask for that help and are willing to do the work.

I believe that everyone can have a relationship with God, whatever the manifestation or interpretation one might have. It's different for everyone and faith and the process of spirituality is also different for everyone.

But if God that teach faith to a card-carrying athiest / nihilist like me, then *anything* is possible. =)

10-03-2009, 02:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
Outvoid Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Bay Area, California Posts: 61	Former Atheist Discovers God That' s me in the title. I was an strong atheist (and a nihilist) for 10 years but today I have a relationship with a Higher Power that I call God. I'm a alcoholic and recovering sex addict. Sex addiction is my primary addiction, but alcohol and pot are close seconds. When I first had my Moment of Clarity, I was sitting on my back porch when I realized that my life have become completely unmanageable and that I couldn't fix my addiction by myself. That was the beginning of my recovery, but my spiritual recovery was not to begin for two years. Just as there are many kinds of theists (believers in a god), there are also many kinds of atheists (disbelievers in a god). In my experience, there are actually not that many true atheists. Most people who claim to be atheist are merely anti-religious (due to their personal history), or anti-Christian. However, I spent a good 5 years doing philosophical and theological research, having discussions with believers, and really trying to understand faith. In the end, I found it lacking. So when I came into recovery, I had a strong aversion to the word "God" and the concept of a Higher Power as a supernatural being. My first higher power was simply those who were in recovery. That was an HP that I could see and believe in. I struggled with my recovery for the first two years because I simply would not accept the idea of a God nor listen to those who spoke of spirituality. After leaving the International SAA convention of 2008, I was back at home, sitting in the bathtub, reading the Big Book. One paragraph in particular struck me from Bill's Story, page 11: "Had this power originated in him? Obviously it had not; there had been no more power in him than there was at me at this moment, and this was none at all." Thinking back to the convention, I remember many conversations I had with my fellow addicts. I knew damn well that they had no more power than me. Yet, they had something I did not: a inner strength that came from a power greater than themselves. Suddenly, it came to me that this power had to come from somewhere else. All my years of philosophical pondering, introspection, and debate went right out the window as I was able to see this simple truth for the first time. Right there, still dripping wet, I climbed out of the tub and got down on my knees and prayed. I still remember what I prayed to this day: "God, if there is a god, please let me do your will. I can't do this by myself. I need your help if you're out there. Please make me your servant; I leave nothing for myself. Help me to do your will." And then..... WHOOSH. Suddenly, I felt a love and a presence come over me and into me on a completely and previously unknown level. I felt it physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I felt a growing warmth and wholeness that words cannot adequately express. I felt God's presence for the first time in my life. More than that, I knew that God had always been with me and was just waiting for me to give myself completely with an honest, sincere heart. It was the most amazing and wonderful experience I have ever had in my life. I finally understood faith and spiritual connectedness. It's been two years since the presence of God made itself known to me. Since I am relatively new to having God in my life, I still struggle with maintaining my faith and my spiritual practice from time to time. But what I am learning is that my spiritual health is just as important (if not more so) as my physical and emotional health. My conception of God is not the god of the Christians, Muslims, Jews, or any other religion, nor am I a member of any. I find that all religions have value and wisdom and truths, but they are not for me by choice. I don't see God as either male nor female nor humanlike in any conception of the term. However, I believe that God loves all of us and is willing to help us if we ask for that help and are willing to do the work. I believe that everyone can have a relationship with God, whatever the manifestation or interpretation one might have. It's different for everyone and faith and the process of spirituality is also different for everyone. But if God that teach faith to a card-carrying athiest / nihilist like me, then anything is possible. =)