[freya]

OK, well, it looks like my partner and I may have just broken up.

I've mentioned elsewhere that things have not been exactly great lately. We are just growing further and further apart in our lives and definitely in our programs.

A major "AH HA" for me was actually way back in January when I got our cell phone bill and saw that, while she didn't have time in December to return calls to our recently sober 23 year-old 2nd cousin (for whom she promised to be there program-wise), or to a wonderful AA man with whom she got sober and who was trying to ask her to chair a meeting, or to get to several holiday events on-time (or sometimes even at all), she had close to 10 hours to spend on the phone with her "virtual friends" (which, I've been told by someone, who works with people who act-out addictively on-line, is probably just a small fraction of total time spent in "virtual reality.")

So, OK, since her last dry drunk was acted out, to a large extent, on-line, that was definitely a red-flag for me. But, truth is, that I have been so involved in my own program and my own life and because I really cannot, to some extent, get my mind around the fact that anyone can be around the rooms for as long as she has been and still choose a life of addictive behavior, isolation and misery, I was kinda just going along waiting to see what was going to happen and when I was going to feel some definite clarity as far as my "needing to do something" went.

And, over the last several months, my "sponsor" has been really on me to detach from her (my partner) and not to in any way be pressuring her into spending time with me, etc....and I've gotten so that I am doing that very successfully....with the result being that we basically do not have a relationship if I am not forcing one into existence. I mean literally, if I am not begging her to be here or telling her that, if she doesn't let me know by noon on Saturday what she's doing, I'm going to make my own plans for the weekend, then we spend 3-5 hours together per week, max.

And since I haven't been doing any of that, we've been spending 3-5 hours per week together, max, for the last few months.

Now, there may well be a planet on which that qualifies as a primary, intimate life-partnership, but it's not a planet I personally live on nor is it one to which I have any desire to move.

And over the last few weeks several things have happened that have really made it very clear to me that I am growing and she is going, and we are basically more like old friends whose lives have grown apart than like partners.

So, OK, I know that and I accept it, and I've been praying about how I need to communicate it to her...and, of course, hoping that a miracle would occur that would allow me to do do that without causing a huge fight and/or getting involved in all kinds of alcoholic head-games and/or trying to take care of her feelings

So, yesterday, she calls and says that she needs to come over to get money tonight (We don't live together, and due to her recent stint of unemployment, I do her banking for her -- so the money she's getting is her own, not mine.) and that maybe she'll go to the (AA) meeting I go to on Wednesdays with me.

So, at 6:25 tonight she calls and is just leaving work on the far side of town, and, of course, she has no money but she needs to go to Starbucks. Meeting starts a 7PM. So, I'm like OK, I'll leave the money in the mailbox for you 'cause I'm leaving here in 10 minutes. (This is one of my "boundary" things with her because she is almost always late and I hate being late, so lately I've been really good about just doing what I need to do to be where I want to be on-time.)

Well, the whole evening did not go very well (aside from the meeting which was very good). The thing that she used to try to start the drama ball rolling was an accusation that I am attracted to one of the woman at the meeting -- which is true. Actually there are a few women there whom I find quite attractive, but, w-h-a-t-e-v-er, I really can't stop feeling what I feel (and, if there's a hot butch around, I'm going to be attracted to hir.....and figuring that out would not exactly be a stretch for anyone who knows me at all!) and it's definitely not like I'm cheating on her, because that's just not something I could/would do.

So, she tries to get something going in the parking lot; I decline to participate.

I get home and she phones. I don't know if I've ever prayed so hard in my friggin' life: "God, please don't let me say anything stupid;" "God, please don't let me get drawn into any head-games;" "God, please don't let me start to argue with her;" "God, please don't let me start to take responsibility for her feelings" and so on and so on and so on.....

And I did good. I was honest and said what I needed to say and didn't take on blame or her feelings (at least not obviously; I do feel like I am taking them on somewhat internally now) and absolutely did not let it go to an argument or fight.

I think she was somewhat shocked and more than a little confused that I didn't play any kind of old, codie part in the conversation.

So, finally, she says: "Well, I'll let you go."

....not sure if she was just talking about the phone or in general.....

And I said, very calmly and softly: "OK....bye."

And then I waited for myself to become a total mess.

But it didn't happen.

I called and spoke to 2 very good program friends (to whom I am not attracted, BTW!) and it seems like the weirdest thing about it all is that I am not a mess.

But, of course, as both friends pointed out, she may very well come back for another round. But this is where it stands right now....and I need to turn it over and say my prayers and go to sleep.

And it feels like I'm actually going to be able to do that.

And that is a miracle of the program!

freya