Thank you LTD, I will definitely check those out Friday at the bookstore.
Thank you, URMyEverything, In reading through checklists I always see one or two elements of my behavior there, some of which I can take note of and work on. Although I manipulate with guilt more often than I’d care to admit, a great number of the things on the list are painful behaviors he’d exhibit more than I would. It's so much easier to see faults in other people, we judge them by our actions and ourselves by our ideals. I'm going to have to read the list over a few times, and read some other books, I think.
I agree, Jadmack and Peaches, the "fighting dirty" is something I have certainly encountered it with the alcoholic I love. He is proud of the fact that he can "go for the jugular" and say really cruel things that he "didn't mean" the next day. It's great to get away from that.
Then there's this issue: if I have a headache you have a brain tumor. I have a serious problem with his verbal abuse. On the other hand, he has a life threatening disease and wants to commit suicide the day before my birthday. It's a headache for me, but brain tumor for him situation.
No accountability, he scores there. But then again, no accountability for me if I keep contacting him.
Daisy30- I didn’t mean it to seem I was seeking input as to how they could fix what I didn’t like about their situations, but to try to illustrate patterns around me that, when I see them and I repeat them that make me go UGH! Thank you for reminding me to go to a third Al Anon meeting. The second group I went to (in May, just before he moved out) was really helpful. I will go back.
In terms of boundaries, I have said if he wants to have a relationship that he has to be sober when he is with me. I do not want to go to his new apartment, I want him to have that space to do his own thing and I don't want to get on his back or cringe if I see beer cans everywhere.
So, he has been sober when he's with me since June, we get together for about 24 hours once a week and are respectful and get all the good aspects of our friendship and love back. But although we've maintained phone contact during the day, I called on one evening and he was, no surprise, very drunk. And though I knew in my gut I should not do it, I needled him with something that strikes me as emotional manipulation masquerading as a boundary.
-Do you want to live with me? (me)
-Yes, I keep telling you, I want to move by xx park, and we'll have a place for the dog. (him)
-Do you really think that will happen?
-I want that more than anything.
-Me too, but I don't think . . . .
-You don't think what, Darlin
-I don't think it can happen if . . .
-if what?
-If you keep drinking
-Insert long deflection and rage on his part about how he is sorry that he's not my hippy father where he insults me and my family and this is who he is I knew it when I met him etc
-that doesn't change the fact that we can't live in the same house if you're drinking
-go f*** yourself (he says)
-OK fine (and I hang up)
This is the first fight in about 60 days; I feel like I kicked him in the gut, and he kicked me back.
"I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" is a line I must have repeated twenty times last June when we were in the process of separating amicably. It feels so much healthier than "When are you going to quit for me?"
Compared to a lot of people posting here, I realize It's not like we're married, it's not like we have kids. I appreciate the advice, as Peaches suggested, taking a good long hard look at my motivation before I talk to him. And in detaching, to do it with love.
Because as much as I want to lie to myself, and as often as I encourage him to lie to me on the topic, he really isn't interested in quitting.
This is not a battle I can win, or want to win. The leaves are falling and it's beautiful out though. Time for coffee. And Al Anon Wednesday.