[cjsg]

Hello,
Reading your post reminded me of a few of the thoughts I had. I was taking xanax and klonopin up until the day of my suboxone induction. I had weaned myself down to about 3 mg of xanax... down from 8 to 12mg a day, I decided to just stop them and jump off at the 3 mg area and I had some crazy mental side effects, but nothing life threaetening. I made the decision because i spoke to my doctor at my appointment, he kind of got my head straight and explained to me and reminded me WHY i was in his office and why I was in this place in my life. I was there to stop taking opiates and sedatives. He encouraged me to just make the jump.. I would suggest telling your doctor however , to see if you are indeed at a safe jumping off point.
My first few days on the suboxone were similar to what you are describing, ridiculous nodding and whatnot. I had the luxury of being able to not have to do much so I just ate and watched the telly. I did start walking at night. It may help you to realise that the sub is buying you a little bit of time and affording you a relatively comfortable detox...I had the driving urge to take advantage of this time and cram my head full of recovery related information. I read up on various recovery related schools of thought, came here, and went to and continue the to attend meetings. They DO help me a lot. My opinion is that sitting around doing nothing to change my coping and thinking patterns is a complete waste of the time the suboxone is buying me. I may be wrong but it seems logical to work on myself and prepare all I can for the da that I stop taking it.
ANother point I want to mention is something that might save you a lot of heartache. Surrender the suboxone someone who will dispense it to you. If you are like me, and a lot of people, this will save you a lot of heartache. We, as addicts, could never be trusted with a pill bottle, so why would that be different now, especially in a crucial time where you are working to break old habit, thoughts, and behaviors. IF you give up the meds, you absolutly will not be able to flub , and you are in fact saving yourself a lot of grief and worry. I tried to make excuses why i couldn't do this, or why it was impossible in my case, but it was a lot of my old thinking trying to pave the way for me to screw up. A forum member named christin, as well as others, helped me to realise a few things I was doing that were potentially dangerous. I hope you can surrender them. I have had no significant problems with the subs...even at taper times and it is at those specific times that I am glad I have someone controlling my medication because I found myself craving the old dose. I have to say, even though I had passing cravings for the old dose, they really weren't that bad. I look back at my tapers and see that I really only suffered minimally and the taper was completely tolerable. Maybe it was due to my mindset and the fac that I tend to use walking as a coping method for anything now. 4 days is the most that I have had do endure the minimal discomfort of the tapers. I help myself by repeating to myself my ultimate goal with the subs. I have to tell myself everyday that I am taking them to eventually get off them, that I am done with the drugs, that my habits are changing, and that I will be glad to finally drop the sub and really be clean so that I can start laying real foundation for recovery.
Do you have an idea of how long you might be taking the suboxone? I know it is not possible to know exactly. But after talking to me my doctor told me that I would be on them for about 2 to 3 months. That was fine with me because I am of the mindset that the longer I a on them, the harder it will be to eventually stop taking them. That is just my opinion. So far Doc was about right, next wednesday will be two months for me and it happens to be the day when I start the old weird every third day dosing thing, of about .5 mg I think he mentioned. we'll see.
It feels so good to almost be free of them. They were a great help. I hope you can take advantage of the time to fortify your resolve and take steps to bring about big changes. The small steps you make everyday will add up to something significant, you'll see that if you do the right thing. All of the promise and hope you have for yourself right now is exciting, but it can all be completely blown away if you don't have someone dispensing your medications. Some people do it without flubbin, but it is foolish and dangerous to risk it. As you mentioned if you get kicked out f the program, you'll be screwed. it would seem a much wiser option would be to eliminate the possibility of you taking more than prescribed. if you do do control the meds you may see yourself, skipping doses to hoard the medication, or taking a bit extra to take the edge off a particularly rough day. Its just a pandora's box full of possibility for continuing old behaviors. All of this is based on my experience, of course but you could save yourself a lot of grief. srry to ramble. I wish you luck, sub can really help out a lot, but taking it without doing the other extra work is going to make the suboxone just another pill/drug.BUENA SUERTE
take care of yourself and be strong and determined
Chris