I was asked to speak tonight and I did not want to go. I called and tried to get out of it. Left messages. Finally, decided to go because I was asked. I'd shared my story 4 times now in the last few months. Besides that, I was just burned out, tired, sick most of the week, and just feel "off."
So I get there and I know a bunch of people there. It's a really strong group with some really good friends of mine and some people from Denver.
I start out and am doing well... then I go blank! Just totally blank and I don't want to continue. I think of telling my story to some of these people for the 3rd or 4th time and just don't want to do my drunkalog again. I'm nervous and feel bad for them. No one's getting up to leave, either. I literally wanted to get up, walk out and say "See ya." In my mind, I did. I gave up. Then I looked at them, said "I'm gonna just talk about a few of my last drunks because they demonstrate my inability to control the amount once I start and my inability to stay away from the first drink after I've been stopped for a bit.
Low and behold, I got out of my head, and delivered one of the most heart-felt gut-wrenching stories I ever gave. I did not take any credit for being a good speaker tonight. I was burned out. It was brutal and I felt what I was saying... the truth of the way I drank.
I damn near teared up and wept like a baby when I described how I felt when I came in after my last drunk over 5 years and 8 months ago. Two people from that group were there tonight.
I was told to really look at what it was that got me to leave a group after having sobriety in A.A... and go out and drink again. Was it because A.A. failed me... yet again? Hell no! There was something in me that sent me out. Something more subtle that I have been able to put my finger on. And no, it ain't just because I take a travelling job and got away from the "program" or the meetings. I got a resentment here, tried to shelter myself from booze over there...
Bottom line is, I had a 1st Step experience tonight. And I was told that a guy like me... a guy who fails A.A. and gets back in and gets another chance and gets sobriety is very rare. I might be helpful to some of these slippers indeed...if I can just convey this story and understand what happened in a way that they might be thoroughly convinced that it isn't always A.A. that fails. Sometimes, it's just me.
People said they enjoyed my share. I had dinner with them. I told them I felt sorry they had to sit through it. They saw past my struggle in the beginning. But I don't want to speak again until I'm done doing this set of steps. I'm in 4 now.
I got pulled over coming home tonight doing 65 in a 55. The trooper asked me where I was coming from. I said the Pantry. "Just got back from speaking at an A.A. meeting." I showed him my book. He said, "So, I guess I don't have to ask you what you were drinking tonight?" I grabbed my coffee mug and gave it a swig and him a smile. He gave me a warning.
