Hello there Billy, and welcome to SoberRecovery
I have a disease called "Autonomic Neuropathy". It affects mostly my heart, lungs, stomach, and throat. It will spread to the rest of my body as it progresses. The bad news is that it slowly kills off those organs, causing all kinds of problems and lots of pain. The good news is that my heart will give out long before the rest of me.
You have not mentioned what disease you have, or the specific cocktail of meds you are on. My docs and I spend a great deal of time trying different "recipes" to find one where I can have a decent quality of life without being totally zoned out. What's working for me really well right now is a class of medication called "neural stabilizers". Specifically Depakote, but there's also Neurontin and Lyrica in that class.
Have you been seen by a pain clinic? They are the experts at figuring out those cocktails. There's also a medical specilty called "Palliative Care" that I have found very helpful.
I totally understand about being ready to bail out on this world. I am there too. I have all my paperwork done; will, living trust, transfer on death, etc. etc. I hang out at other forums that are specific to my disease as that helps me get perspective on the life I have left.
Like you mentioned, I am unable to live without all these meds. My heart would literally stop without them. In fact, it has on three separate ocassions and I was lucky the docs were able to kick start it again. I don't even try to stop the meds. What I do instead is very slowly lower _one_ med, or maybe two, while bringing up the levels of a new med. It's a tricky balancing act, but it has been worth it as I am still able to function at moderate levels.
Dunno if any of the above will be useful to you, feel free to take what works and leave the rest.
Mike