| where to begin...
I just joined here yesterday and as I was going thru the board I found this area. Just as I titled this --- where to begin....
I deal with depression on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was not a good one. To give you a bit of the past.... in a nutshell...
I'm an only child, who had an over-protective father {who I know in his own way loves me} but I have come to terms that I will never live up to his expectations. Which that in itself took me a good 20 years to come to terms with. My Dad cheated on my mom and mentally abused both of us for years. It got better once they separated and divorced but that was a good ten years or more. They stayed together until I graduated from High School. The trauma from all this - well, I had a huge chip on my shoulder and would let any boy/man be anything more than a friend to me due to I just couldn't trust and I didn't want to go thru what my mom had.
I didn't have a serious relationship until I was in my mid 30's with a man that was introduced to me thru a family member. We were friends for several years before we got engaged. That lasted up until a week before the wedding - when I found out that he had been cheating with not 1 but 3 or 4 others. This was also after he had gotten me in debt up over my ears. This was a year of hell for me, besided this happening one month later my grandmother passed, I had to deal with bankruptcy and then my mother was diagnosed with cancer --- and no job. Now in all this sadness and trauma there was good that came out of it. I sucked it up and buried all my pain - was there for my mom thru her surgery and chemo. I told her and to this day I tell her that God works in mysterious ways. I finally got a job after a year - a seasonal job but a job none the less. But right before that I started having some health issues myself and after all I had been thru --- in the doc's office I finally broke from the pressure/strain. She placed me on some meds to help - once I was working I seemed to be able to move on with my life a little more - made some good friends & was finally able to open myself back up to another relationship - which it ended badly, basically almost like a repeat. I made some more serious changes - like going back to school and such. I did finally meet someone that I know loves me to death - and he is a good man. He's been there for me thru hell and back and I with him the same way. Within the last couple of years things have been really rough - it's like the devil has a hold and won't let go. My husband is a truckdriver and when he first went back out on the road we had a year of Hell - some small companies that wouldn't pay him. And then some larger companies where he got steady pay but wasn't that good.
Then a year ago this july it really got bad - 1st my husband's ex & his daughter moved up here from SC. His daughter lived with us for almost a month - before all hell broke loose. They finally moved back but still to this day try to drive a wedge between me and my husband - I, also, was going thru a health crisis myself - I was diagnosed with Severe Sleep Apnea, Arthritis, Depression & Obesity. My husband, also started drinking more.
There are days when I just don't think I can go on anymore - all I do is cry. I try not to let my husband or my mom see because it hurts them. And then my husband thinks that he's done something wrong. Because when he asks me why - I don't have an answer. Dealing with the pain and feeling tired all the time just sucks. There are days when I do feel like why am I even here but I would NEVER do anything to take my own life. I just feel more like running away, hiding in bed and cover my head with the blanket wishing it would all just go away.
So, anyway, I came here to SR - first to find support for myself with dealing with my husband's drinking, but now I'm also here for support with depression.
Harley
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