[change4penny]

Hi, my name is Penny, and I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 11 months clean. I've been posting on the Substance Abuse forum here on SR for quite a while and today I just noticed Grief and Loss.
I grew up with both parents being alcoholics and had a very bad childhood.
My dad is now 4 years sober, my mom quit drinking many years ago, before my dad, but had developed a dependency on pain meds, which she needed due to severe pain caused by an accident she and my dad were in many years ago. My dad was drunk and driving when they hit a tree at 60mph.
My mom passed away 16 months ago. I was there when she died. She passed away in her sleep. The EMT believed that the methodone that she was taking, along with oxycodones, contributed to her death.
My mom died knowing her only daughter was a drug addict. As a matter of fact, she had gotten me to agree to go to rehab. She had set everything up and her and my dad were to take me there on a Monday, May 18...She died on May 14 '08. Needless to say, I didn't go. Instead I spiraled further down into myself and my addictions, nearly self destructing and almost dying myself from overdose.
However, I woke up one morning, four months after my mom passed, feeling lower and more broken than I've ever felt, not recognizing the person staring back at me in the mirror. I had lost the ability to pray and felt a lot of anger towards God after my mom passed, but that morning, I cried out to Him and asked that He save me or take me. I checked into a rehab, a few hours away from my home, that afternoon. I surrendered. I was a helpless and hopeless addict. Going to rehab was the best gift I ever gave myself and it saved my life.
I feel so much guilt over my mom. She was my best friend and I hurt her so much. I miss her more than I can explain and just thinking about her takes my breath away sometimes. I feel like it's partly my fault that she died. I had put her through so much worry and stress. Even though it's been 16 months since her death, I still keep asking myself "What if?"
I would give anything for just one more day with her...to hear her voice, to see her smile, to say that I'm sorry for disapointing her. To tell her I love her.
I have so many regrets.

Thanks for letting me share,

Penny