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Inquisitive7 · 09-12-2009, 11:14 PM

Hello everyone,

This post is probably too late for me as I already broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, but I want this information in case I run into someone with addictions again.

I have really been lost in regard to him and things that went on in our relationship. First off, he admitted having addiction problems from adolescence (he is currently 45) at the beginning of the relationship and was in a harm reduction mode. I asked him then if he had ever gotten professional help for additions and he said no, that he just reduced on his own. I have never had drug and alcohol problems in my family or with myself and had never dated anyone who had these issues, so I really didn't know how to deal with this.

At the time I met him, he was using pot once a week (down from daily usage) and was drinking everyday 2-3 glasses of wine. But he had no problem drinking more at times. He never acted drunk when he drank more. The pot use become an issue even though he wasn't using as much (by the time we broke up, he said he was hardly using pot). He used to totally blame me for how I reacted, how I said it changed him, he said I overreacted. He never apologized for coming over when high when we were supposed to have our alone quality time. The subject of his use was tense and sort of a taboo subject.

In general, he was a loving father of 2 kids and was stable in his job. He was a very sweet man in many ways,. But things that contributed greatly to us breaking up are:

- He was passive aggressive and never shared his deeper thoughts and feelings. I felt like he was in the relationship with himself and his thoughts about how the relationship SHOULD be, not how it was.
- He was very reactive to issues I would bring up in the relationship (e.g. wanting increased emotional intimacy, asking for basic respect)
- Had distorted thoughts - e.g., he would engage in all or nothing thing
- Lack of empathizing with me and seeing things from my perspective...He was discounting and disrespectful of my feelings. He was sort of narcissistic, even though his personality wasn't.
- He was very impulsive - he never allowed me to be alone and sort out my thoughts after an argument - he always had some excuse to call or write me...never left me be with my own thoughts and feelings.
- He was insecure and wanted a commitment from me soon after dating...said he loved me after 3 weeks, talked of moving in with him after 4 months. He always kept thinking I was ready to break up with him just for bringing up issues and seeing if we were compatible.

These are most of them, but there are more. I always felt like he misinterpreted a lot of what I was trying to convey to him. I very rarely got angry with him; I always was explaining and constantly rephrasing for him to understand concepts I was talking about that my other friends all understood. I seriously thought on a few occasions he had brain damage or something.

Anyway, this post has gotten too long, but I am still trying to understand the things he said or did that might be addiction related. Does any of this sound familiar to all of you?

Thank you so much in advance.

09-12-2009, 11:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
Inquisitive7 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Wherever I turn my attention Posts: 57	Too late for me, but still need advice Hello everyone, This post is probably too late for me as I already broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, but I want this information in case I run into someone with addictions again. I have really been lost in regard to him and things that went on in our relationship. First off, he admitted having addiction problems from adolescence (he is currently 45) at the beginning of the relationship and was in a harm reduction mode. I asked him then if he had ever gotten professional help for additions and he said no, that he just reduced on his own. I have never had drug and alcohol problems in my family or with myself and had never dated anyone who had these issues, so I really didn't know how to deal with this. At the time I met him, he was using pot once a week (down from daily usage) and was drinking everyday 2-3 glasses of wine. But he had no problem drinking more at times. He never acted drunk when he drank more. The pot use become an issue even though he wasn't using as much (by the time we broke up, he said he was hardly using pot). He used to totally blame me for how I reacted, how I said it changed him, he said I overreacted. He never apologized for coming over when high when we were supposed to have our alone quality time. The subject of his use was tense and sort of a taboo subject. In general, he was a loving father of 2 kids and was stable in his job. He was a very sweet man in many ways,. But things that contributed greatly to us breaking up are: - He was passive aggressive and never shared his deeper thoughts and feelings. I felt like he was in the relationship with himself and his thoughts about how the relationship SHOULD be, not how it was. - He was very reactive to issues I would bring up in the relationship (e.g. wanting increased emotional intimacy, asking for basic respect) - Had distorted thoughts - e.g., he would engage in all or nothing thing - Lack of empathizing with me and seeing things from my perspective...He was discounting and disrespectful of my feelings. He was sort of narcissistic, even though his personality wasn't. - He was very impulsive - he never allowed me to be alone and sort out my thoughts after an argument - he always had some excuse to call or write me...never left me be with my own thoughts and feelings. - He was insecure and wanted a commitment from me soon after dating...said he loved me after 3 weeks, talked of moving in with him after 4 months. He always kept thinking I was ready to break up with him just for bringing up issues and seeing if we were compatible. These are most of them, but there are more. I always felt like he misinterpreted a lot of what I was trying to convey to him. I very rarely got angry with him; I always was explaining and constantly rephrasing for him to understand concepts I was talking about that my other friends all understood. I seriously thought on a few occasions he had brain damage or something. Anyway, this post has gotten too long, but I am still trying to understand the things he said or did that might be addiction related. Does any of this sound familiar to all of you? Thank you so much in advance.