SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Maintaining A Relationship While Recovering

URMYEVERYTHING · 09-11-2009, 10:32 AM

Hello All,
I need some feedback from some of you out there that may be in the similiar situation. Just briefly, my RBF and I met in March 2008 and have been dating since then. When we met, he was sober with 5 years clean. He told me, on our first date actually, that he was in recovery and that his DOC was Heroin. I admired him for this amungst other qualities. Well, we maintained a good relationship with each other until he relapsed in November 2008. Since then it has been a downward spiral of events. In the midst of him trying to get drugs, he was pulled over and taken into jail for a VOP that he did not handle from 10 years ago. He served 6 months and was released in July 2009. Well, we had a good month until he relapsed in August, using 1 week until I caught him and kicked him out of the house. He has been in rehab since August 19th.

Just to give you some background as well, yes, I have set up boundaries and yes I go to meetings, read books on addiction and I'm a therapist who works with adolescents who suffer co-morbid disorders. So, I know what I need to do in reference to setting up boundaries and taking care of myself and my son.

I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time? I know they say no new relationships within your first year of sobriety but this is obviously a relationship we started prior to his relapses and while he was in sobriety. WE both want to remain together and he has signed us up for family therapy to work through the relapse behaviors, anger, etc., etc.

Any feedback would help. I had a rough day on if I should stay or not. He is working his program, his counselor gives me good feedback on him, he keeps in touch through letters, he has accepted the work that he needs to put into his recovery and is doing very well.

I, on the other hand, struggle day to day with missing him. I also wanted to know what support can I be to him at this time. Where does our relationship stand? This is weird. Definately not a typical relationship (if there ever is one).

Oh, to add, you will probably ask me what attracted me to this man. Well, he was employed as a counselor, had his own place, his own car, responsible, good credit (at that time after years of rebuilding it), his co-workers respected him, his upfront honesty and his loving nature. I was able to experience all of this with him and in 2 months it was all gone.

I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns and I do believe in hope and prayer.

09-11-2009, 10:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
URMYEVERYTHING Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Philadelphia, PA Posts: 425	Maintaining A Relationship While Recovering Hello All, I need some feedback from some of you out there that may be in the similiar situation. Just briefly, my RBF and I met in March 2008 and have been dating since then. When we met, he was sober with 5 years clean. He told me, on our first date actually, that he was in recovery and that his DOC was Heroin. I admired him for this amungst other qualities. Well, we maintained a good relationship with each other until he relapsed in November 2008. Since then it has been a downward spiral of events. In the midst of him trying to get drugs, he was pulled over and taken into jail for a VOP that he did not handle from 10 years ago. He served 6 months and was released in July 2009. Well, we had a good month until he relapsed in August, using 1 week until I caught him and kicked him out of the house. He has been in rehab since August 19th. Just to give you some background as well, yes, I have set up boundaries and yes I go to meetings, read books on addiction and I'm a therapist who works with adolescents who suffer co-morbid disorders. So, I know what I need to do in reference to setting up boundaries and taking care of myself and my son. I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time? I know they say no new relationships within your first year of sobriety but this is obviously a relationship we started prior to his relapses and while he was in sobriety. WE both want to remain together and he has signed us up for family therapy to work through the relapse behaviors, anger, etc., etc. Any feedback would help. I had a rough day on if I should stay or not. He is working his program, his counselor gives me good feedback on him, he keeps in touch through letters, he has accepted the work that he needs to put into his recovery and is doing very well. I, on the other hand, struggle day to day with missing him. I also wanted to know what support can I be to him at this time. Where does our relationship stand? This is weird. Definately not a typical relationship (if there ever is one). Oh, to add, you will probably ask me what attracted me to this man. Well, he was employed as a counselor, had his own place, his own car, responsible, good credit (at that time after years of rebuilding it), his co-workers respected him, his upfront honesty and his loving nature. I was able to experience all of this with him and in 2 months it was all gone. I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns and I do believe in hope and prayer.