[daydream]

Family, I'm a mess. I'll explain as concisely as I can, but to adequately convey what's happening, this will have to be very long! Anyone who has time to read and comment, please do. I am in a world of hurt and don't know what to do.


Over the last couple years I gradually lost my passion for recovery. Then my sponsor suddenly and without explanation walked out of my life. Just stopped returning any of my calls, ignored all my messages and even the snail mail I sent asking what happened. She had been my sponsor for 2 years and I had shared my life with her whole-heartedly, so I was devastated that she abandoned me. She lives hours away, so I couldn't just stop by. I was so hurt that I quit going to meetings and vowed not to get close to anyone again. I eventually found out that this is a pattern for that sponsor. I'm not the only one she abandoned without so much as a goodbye and it wasn't about me at all, but it affected me deeply. Last time I spoke with her she had invited me up for some christmas parties and a weekend in TN with her. I never heard from her again. I attended a meeting maybe once every 2 months, but other than that I was out of the circuit. I say all this so you see that I was in a very fragile state when the following happened:

Fast forward to 2 few weeks ago. I finally got my willingness and courage together to make a sincere effort at getting back on the right track. I returned to meetings. What a mistake. I should never have gone back. I met a young girl who has 3 years clean. She moved here to be with her bf. I noticed right away that she was badmouthing a lot of people, playing the martyr victim role a lot. She was chair for our small function and went around telling everyone, even on a recovery message board, that she had to do everything all by herself. She's been bashing our home group really badly on the other site. About 10 days ago at the meeting facility this girl came in bashing a local member, making some pretty ugly allegations. She spewed this stuff loudly and about 20 people heard her say it. No telling how many more she told at other times/places. Because of who she was talking about, I believed what she said. I shouldn't have. And believe me when I say I generally do not have a gossip problem. I'm well-trusted where I live for not repeating things. Before this I honestly can't even remember the last time I repeated gossip--probably a couple years. But damnit if I didn't go and repeat this rumor to 2 people (married couple) who live hundreds of miles away. The next day I saw info on facebook that contradicted the rumor, so the girl had almost certainly lied about it. About 24 hours later after doing my 10th step I realized my wrong and I sent an amends to that married couple to retract what I said. I admitted my wrong and said I shouldn't have repeated the rumor even if it had been true, though it probably wasn't. I actually DEFENDED this woman that the rumor was about. I made sure to tell them that i now had reason to believe the rumor wasn't even true. I mentioned unity and how important it is, in hopes that the rumor would not be spread further. Since the woman I gossiped about didn't know it, it would have been wrong of me to go tell her what I did (second half of step 9), so I did my best to correct the information and my plan was to just do something nice for that woman without her knowing. That was the best amends I knew how to make.

Imagine my shock when a couple days later I learn that that amends I sent was forwarded to the person who was gossiped about. Although I didn't name the person who started the rumor, the person who was gossiped about figured out who it was and forwarded the email to other people. She began posting really ugly messages about me on facebook to people who know me to make sure everyone knew I had gossiped about her. BTW this woman who was gossiped about has 20 years clean in NA. She is THE biggest troublemaker and gossip in this area and the worst I have ever known in 20 years of NA attendance. So this was the pot calling the kettle black in a major way. The person who forwarded my private email amends to her also has 20 years clean. The "gossipee" apparently has gone after the girl who started it, who in turn is calling me a liar and telling it to whoever will listen. She is pulling my NA friends off to the side and telling them this bs trying to make me look bad. She is posting hateful messages about me on facebook and another site, just as the gossippee is. Her friends joined in and there were many more ugly remarks about me, one being that I shouild be F***** up the *** with a bent rusty spoon! Can you imagine reading this about yourself on the page of someone you hardly even know!?!?! Only after I talked to her husband about it did she take that single comment down. The rest have remained.

As soon as I found out that the gossippee knew I had gossiped about her, I emailed her my sincerest amends. Because of how much trouble she causes in our area, I felt it would be better to put my amends to her in writing (for proof of what I did and didn't say) and do it asap on the off chance it might discourage her from being an ass. I acknowledged what I had done and told her how deeply I regretted it. One would hope that a woman with 20 years clean who goes to meetings regularly and claims to work steps would at the very LEAST take her rants to her sponsor, but nooooooooo....... she is using it to tell everyone what an awful person I am for gossiping about her. She is posting accusations with my name included on other people's facebook. I was taught in NA that some people would take my sincerest amends and twist them to use against me, but it's real F'd up when the people doing it have substantial clean time and have never had a conflict with me before!

So now the delimna: The last few meetings I've gone to noone would talk to me. Saturday night I made a 2nd attempt to talk with the girl who started the false rumor to begin with, not in a confrontational manner, but with a sincere desire to resolve whatever was going on. AFter all, I had done nothing to her. The fact that the gossippee found out she started the false rumor isn't on me, but on the person who fowarded my amends. And for all I know, any of the 20 or so people who heard her start the rumor could have told the gossippee too. So Saturday night at the meeting I asked the girl "(name), can we talk?" She refused and I walked away. I was ignored by the other women even though I tried to greet and make small talk with them. They sat at the table together with the rumor-starter passing notes the whole time, with an occassional glance in my direction and laughter. After the meeting I left, crying, feeling completely unwanted and like I don't belong there anymore.

But I didn't give up just then. I went back again last night, hoping maybe a friend would be there, maybe it would be different this time, but noooooo... The first person I walked up to I greeted would not even look up at me. He was the only person sitting there and no one was talking to him, so he absolutely knew I had spoken to him. I spoke to him again. Ignored again. I spoke to a few other women who would not so much as say hello or smile at me. I finally found one male friend who made a little small-talk with me. He was sitting right beside the male who had twice refused to speak to me. So once again I said "(name), how have you been doing?" He just looked up and said "fine". Not another word. A female friend pulled up in her car and I walked over to try and say hi. Another person came up and spoke to her too. She spoke back to him and ignored me, then drove off.

So I sat outside, lips quivering, waiting until about meeting time before going inside. Suddenly 2 bikers pulled up. Keep in mind I am the largest woman in my home group. Biker gets off his bike and says to his buddy rather loudly, "It's kind like FAT women. You'll ride 'em, but you don't want your buddies to know you been on 'em!" That was it. I couldn't take it any more. I left crying again.

After keeping all this pent up I finally called one of the girls I've known a few years who goes there. Unlike the gossippee and the girl who started the rumor to begin with, I have not gone around telling everyone who will listen. I have not gone around badmouthing either of them. I have not forwarded their hostile, childish emails or facebook comments. I have TRIED to keep my side of the street clean, yet I am taking all this hell based only on the fact that I gossipped to 2 people who live probably 600 miles away! And they saw the amends! Well, in talking to this one female friend, I learned that miss rumor starter has caused problems for a few other people in the past few weeks. She baked cookies shaped like a pig and wrote a girl's name on them and brought them to the meeting. The girl who's name was on the pig cookies is substantially overweight. The girl has done other hurtful things that has a newcomer not wanting to come back. This friend told me that the issues are going to be brought up in group conscience this Sunday. Before anyone jumps me, read what I said. someone ELSE is planning to bring all this stuff up that the rumor-starter is doing. I don't know whether I should participate or not. On one hand I generally don't think group conscience is the place to hash out personal differences. On the other hand, this girl is pitting the women against one another, lying on us, bashing our home group online, dragging our names through the mud. This is destroying our unity! THAT is a group problem. So perhaps she SHOULD be confronted on this by the group. At this point I don't even know if I'll go back at all. There's too much hurt. But if I do, should I participate in trying to resolve this at group conscience? I don't think anyone is going to try and run the girl off. We just want her to STOP so no one has to feel the kind of pain we're feeling because of the awful things she is doing to us. Something has to give. I am not in a frame of mind to deal with this much longer. I really cannot take it.