[freya]

One more thing -- as a former English professor, I can 100% guarantee you that people worrying about getting things down right -- in the sense of "correctly" -- on the first draft is the #1 cause of sh*ty, boring, pointless writing. When you are writing something that is basically for your own use, the sole purpose is to get it out of your head and onto a paper. This does not need to be some kind of big, time-consuming, stressful activity. You can just say to yourself: "I'm going to write for 5 minutes, without stopping, about whatever issues/things/behaviors came up for me and/or were problematic for me today."

Then just do it.

Sit there and write.

Do not stop; keep your pen/pencil moving constantly for the 5 minutes.

Do not think about spelling or grammar or handwriting or even making complete sentences. Just get the cr*p out. If it turns out that you have to share it with someone and you're the only person who can read it, then, fine, read it to that person. If that person can't handle it and expects for you to hand him/her some perfectly written sterling prose, find another person to help you. This is not about your becoming a renown writer or pleasing somebody else; this is about your staying sober -- physically, emotionally and spiritually!

.....and I can also promise you that it will be much, much easier if you stop trying to find reasons why you can't or shouldn't have to do it and just get on with doing it.

freya

P.S. The things you do that hurt yourself are every bit as important and subject to inventory as the things you do that hurt others. And, just FYI, isolating would be one of them.