[freya]

Welcome to SR!

Well, in my experience as the partner of an alcoholic, if my A is not actively working her program of recovery, then she really is not capable of being present with me (emotionally/psychologically/spiritually) anymore than she is if she were actively drinking.

And, of course, it just so happens that I work a 12 Step program myself, so I do understand and support her working hers....but the fact is that, even if I didn't, it's not my responsibility to somehow get her to work a strong program and her sobriety (physical/emotional/spiritual) does not and cannot depend on my doing so, anymore than my continued progress in my program can depend on her.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, if indeed your partner is looking outside of your relationship for intimacy of any type that he "should" be getting from you, maybe you need to ask yourself what your own part in that is?????? And I'm not in any way condoning any kind of possible dishonesty or underhandedness on your partner's part; just saying that alcoholism goes hand-in-hand with relationship dysfunction, so if you don't want to have to deal with relationship dysfunction, then you need to deal seriously and directly with your alcoholism and it's underlying issues.

And a good start would be to talk honestly and directly with your partner about what you're feeling and what you need -- both around the behavior of your partner and around the necessity of your renewing your commitment to your recovery program.

...and, if he is really interested in being there for you in a healthy way and in having something good to do while you're doing your recovery work, he might try checking out some Al Anon meetings for himself.

freya

P.S. And I will say that I am actively dealing with this in my own relationship right now because my partner seems more and more to not be in a good place in terms of her program and/or her non-drinking addictive behavior, and it is really taking a toll on our relationship and beginning to drag on my own serenity and my own program -- which, I'm feeling more and more certain, I am not going to be willing to tolerate much longer.