[MCake]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad, OB. I can relate to the link you've described between drinking and depression; for some people, drinking can be a symptom of underlying depression. However, you know that drinking will only worsen the situation, in many ways - even though it may not be your main problem, it doesn't help either.

Is there a chance you can accurately identify what are you feeling? I'm not nitpicking, this is something I learnt from my therapist. The word "depression" is used very often, but it means different things to different people. Maybe you're feeling sad, angry, guilty, lonely... If you can ask yourself what you're *really* feeling, there's a much better chance of being able to work through it

BTW, to me "depression" means feeling horribly numb - the only thing that works for me is to get in touch with that numbness, and see where it goes. It usually turns into boiling anger.

You did mention despair and suicide; if this gets worse, please call your local suicide hotline immediately - there is a very high chance that they'll be able to help. The Samaritans helped me a lot several years ago.

I agree with Atomica. Being away from friends can be tough. Have you thought about joining some sort of group in your area? Not necessarily AA or a fellowship.. Maybe engaging in an activity that involves more contact with people?

Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea, even if you don't know what you'd talk about with them.

I had a horrible experience with a certain medication, which turned me off treatment for years - my shrink eventually coaxed me into trying meds again, when my depression became uncontrollable, and doing so really helped. Definitely *not* pushing drugs on to you, I'm just sharing my experience. Meds aren't a panacea, and some people simply can't tolerate them.

Sending you lots of hugs - be safe, keep reaching out