[OceanBound]

Hi guys,

This is a cross-post from Secular. I figure it won't hurt to ask in both places. Sorry this could be long…

Some of you know that I recently relapsed after 4 months and have not been able to keep it under control for over 2 weeks. I get very drunk (alone), then very sick, then slightly better, then very drunk again. A typical story I suppose. I don’t think alcohol is the main problem. Depression is. I’ve felt this pull towards severe depression again for a while. So my recent drinking was more like acting out. I couldn’t just watch myself slipping into a new episode slowly but surely.

I’ve gone thru severe episodes before. Been on meds once, never again after they fvcked my brain and my body real good, and that was the drug that actually worked. Been in therapy, learned a few tricks, uncovered a lot of unresolved issues, dealt with them with some success. I am not dismissing going to see a shrink again but I’m not even sure what I’d say. I’m in the best physical shape I’ve been in years; my self-confidence is as high as it’s ever been (guess not high enough). I’m dealing with a very unfortunate living/career situation that is dragging me down ever day but that won’t change until at least next summer. I work out most days, have some hobbies but they bring me no joy. I don’t have any close friends where I live now but I do try to talk to my friends on the phone and go see them whenever I can.

I am not exactly sure what the purpose of my post is. I woke up feeling so desperate and after crying for an hour I just had to do something, anything to cling to hope. I am trying to avoid getting so low that I would google the best suicide method again.

I won’t be able to check the responses until later tonight (gotta go to work) but I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice. I’ll take virtual hugs too, I’m that low today.

Thanks, gang.
OB