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Originally Posted by divvd  hello, soberrecovery.com. my name's david, and i'm an addict. i also have bipolar type II with titches of borderline mixed in for good measure.
i'm uninsured, unemployed, and recently came unhinged. example: it's taken me about 10 minutes to write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite these first two 'paragraphs,' and i typically type at well over 100 words per minute and almost never have troubles articulating my thoughts.
i've been sober from my good ol' DOC, meth, since June 15th. aside from the expected anxiety associated with the comedown, i've been riding a splendid hypomanic wave which had me writing poetry again, producing music again, and just being...me.
then something happened. poof. i'm in the worst mixed state i believe i have ever been in. crying jags segueing into squealing highs which jump to balled fists and fits of rage, irritability, non-sequiturs, stilted speech and fractal thought patterns. i have had a constant headache and constant screeching, rushing thoughts inciting these emotions now for at least a week.
music helps, til i get about a minute in and i start picking apart what a talentless hack i am because i'll surely never be able to produce music of any quality whatsoever.
meditation? please. i can't stop the thinking. i just can't.
aromatherapy? no dice.
talking to friends? i start out fine, then want to yell at them for no reason, but restrain myself, and then piercing pain cuts through my head and i have to leave or end the conversation.
it goes deeper than that, i don't know if i'm really getting my point across-- don't really know if i do have a point. again, this articulation of thoughts is beyond me. i'm retyping and retyping every sentence until i'm sure it makes sense.
i guess i do have a point to posting this: does anyone have suggestions/homeopathic solutions which have worked for them? i'm just scared it's never going to end. i know it's almost silly to say, but it's my valid feeling.
anyone have some words of advice?
anything would help--
thank you,
david. |
Hey David,
First of all
to SR. I only hope you can get as much benefit out of this forum as I have.
I have major depression, so while I don't know exactly what you're going through, I've been in a similar state as you. It feels like your mind is tearing apart. That said, it's completely normal to feel it's never going to end, I've felt that way more times than I can count. The good news is that your disorders are containable, treatable and can be reduced and you won't always feel so out of control.
It sounds like you need a serious endorphin release. If you have any energy left, the best thing I can recommend that always helps lift my depression is exercise. The therapeutic length of time is 30 minutes, though 60 minutes makes me feel great and calms down my thoughts a lot. I agree meditation will be impossible at a time like this and will just make you feel more frustrated. But you can gain the benefit of mindfulness techniques by immersing yourself in what you love. That means now is NOT the time to shy away from your music. I know that sucks to hear when you're in such a state, as I often shy away from my writing at those times. But if you can put your hectic thoughts to some productive use, and I know music helps you focus, you'll find yourself calming down. I'm a perfectionist and I always am self-critical of my writing before I even have two paragraphs done. Then I have to remind myself: Guess what? No one has to ever hear it! You can consider it an experiment. It's more important you do it and train your ears. Consider it sketching. Then later, when you're in a better frame of mind, you can work with the ideas you've sketched. You can get therapy and lay down the framework for something great. Don't think you always have to manic to create. Some of the best art came come out of our misery and help see us through it. It's pointless to criticize you work, just enjoy the process and the moment you're in, no matter how tasking. Also, I always find actively listening to music is a form of meditation. If making music is absolutely too frustrating to do right now, try listening to a piece of music or an album with a lot of layers and focus your hearing on the individual instruments. If you tell me what type of music you're into, I could give you some recommendations. That's a form of mindfulness.
As far as remedies, if you can find some fennel seed in your cabinets or at the store, that helps with anxiety. So does calcium. Still the best thing to do first is to get an endorphin release that doesn't involve hurting yourself or others (not that I'm saying you would).
And you know yourself better than anyone, but from what I know meth withdrawal is pretty serious and can take time, so don't completely discount it as to your current state. But an addictions counselor would be able to tell you that better than I. And while meth withdrawal may have nothing to do with your current state, just introducing yourself and your story in the Substance Abuse board will help your long-term recovery and relapse prevention. You might even find someone with similar problems to you. And don't be afraid to post about mental health problems there as they play a part in relapse prevention and your recovery.
See if you can try some or one of the things I recommend. If not, hopefully someone else will have some better suggestions. Either way keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.
Take care,
Clay