[evmdimples]

aack! Sad realization today. And a little embarrassed to admit to this. The (w)hore-mones have once again invaded this body and have taken over. They do this on a monthly basis, or close to it. I called the ex-ex a few days ago to ask her over (with ulterior motives. She's 5 hours away. She declined.) Today I've medicated with wine... to no avail (not my DOC, although today it is). I'm thinking of the other ex- about calling her... she IS my DOC, the reason I joined CoDa. I'm codependent.

I've learned to use the tools in the toolkit. And have been really good about it. But these last few days, for some reason, I've been spinning out of control. My main fear/realization: this is what has been driving my (worst) actions. All. My. Life.

I now know I medicate with relationships, to get away, to use as my escape route. (I've also done alcohol, food, meds, but relationships are my main DOC). Now I'm faced with returning to mom's house, due to life circumstances. She's latino. She doesn't know I'm gay (I came out to myself 5 yrs ago, still struggling). She's been my core issue since conception (didn't want me). I've worked hard on that. But I'm afraid that once I get there, it'll be too much for me. And I'll start doing all the stuff I've done to escape: alcohol, food, pills. And run into the arms of anyone who will take me. Not a good idea. Not for a codependent 9 mo. into her recovery.

I am posting for support. ESH. Ideas. Fresh perspectives. New tools for the toolkit. I am not happy that the (w)hore-mones have been driving this bus for so long. It's as though when they invade, everything else disappers and they take over my better judgement. My crazy mood swings (bp-like, maybe I am a little). My d-r-i-v-e. And that's when the huntress comes out. Yes, that infamous couger that I talked about on another thread. And she's relentless and dangerous, mostly to herself.

Thinking out loud, looking for support, tools and words of wisdom from the SR family, so I can prepare even more before the big move.