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Originally Posted by eoghanacht  Ok back today on the board..
Jessica- thanks for the advice, but I've already done that. I don't think it's a question of wanting to do it anymore, I think it used to be like that; now it's down to just being.. dunno, lazy or stubborn? I'm not a nasty or bad pesron, it's just the way it is...I've cared for her for over 5 years, carried her.. she doesn't seem to want to do things at times after she has said that she wants, yes wants, to do something specific (like bettering herself educationally);in other ways she seems to ..'play' me...there is soooo many issues. Sometimes it's been extremely close to us splitting up. Hasn't happened yet..
Faerie- I honestly do know what you mean about putting myself first, but does that mean changing in a way, in order to have a go at her, so that she listens and stops thinking of herself so much??
I am a pretty nervous bloke (sorry Jessica.. bloke= guy)-at times, especially with this current state of mind that I'm in (not sure if it's the meds or what).
Take care both of you please
me |
If I might chime in here...
I think she's not phoning the help line because she has depression/mental illness which often causes a person to feel self-destructive and therefore resistant to help, and resistant to change. I've been there. Sometimes staying miserable seems like the better option because it's what we know and we're afraid of success and happiness. Doesn't make sense to a non-depressed person, but that's how it can be. I would say start by getting her to do little things to make herself happy, or that nurture herself. Make sure to encourage her to stay busy and that she's doing her share of chores (if you live together). Depression can cause a lot of self-centeredness, even if it's negative, so you might encourage as an activity or date you two go volunteering somewhere whether at a soup kitchen, a nursing home, or somewhere else. Do nice things for her and build her up and if she loves you, she'll do the same for you. Try to get her out of her place and into the world and tell her it'll be fun and that you'd really appreciate if she came along.
Are you seeing a therapist and if so, what does he/she say you should do? And you Brits don't have the excuse of too little money or no insurance so if you're not seeing one you should. Perhaps ask your therapist if she can come along for one of the sessions so she can get a taste of treatment and how non-threatening it can be.
I apologize if you've already tried all this before. I don't know if you need to change so much to have a go at her, as confrontation may not break her out of her shell but send her inward. It's like when you're in a plane and it goes too high and the masks come down. You have to put yours on first before you put it on your child, not that I'm comparing her to a child. You have to stabilize yourself first before you can hope to stabilize her. You have to be an example to her of how one can make it through depression and live more happily. And tell her it would give you joy to see her happy and that you want to help her take baby steps to get there. I guarantee you she probably doesn't reach out for help because it seems too daunting as well. Talk to her about what you're doing for your depression and make it seem less scary to her.
Of course if she talks about killing herself you need to rush her to the hospital or call 911.
I'm also a nervous bloke, but there are ways to deal with that, aside from the meds. Try meditating like once a day and exercising 3-5 times a week, if you don't already. Maybe you need a meds adjustment. Although this is just a nerve-racking situation. Make sure you have a place of solace whether in your dwelling or somewhere in your town/city. Somewhere where you can escape and recharge.
Just keep trying to get her to see her own beauty and that you suffer when she suffers and tell her she deserves to be happy over and over again until she believes it.
Take care.