[digderidoo]

Hi my secular friends.

I haven't posted much here the last 3 or 4 weeks and haven't attended any AA meetings either. I'm at a crossroads with my sobriety and wondering which way to turn i guess, so thought i'd post here about it.

I have two main issues, firstly i don't think AA is working for me and secondly i have thought about drinking, wondering whether i can drink moderately now.

On the first point, the issues i have with AA is step 3. Handing my will over....as a child i had my thoughts controlled by a minority religion, i broke free from that...i then spent years having my will controlled by alcohol, i feel as though now i have broken free from that. I do not want to hand my will over to something else, albeit a God of my own understanding. Surely if there is a God, he created us with free will?

I have developed a spirituality, but i don't see this as something taking over my will, i see it as something that will compliment my serenity and peace of mind more than anything else.

The problem i have in my locality is that there is no other options, no lifering or other secular groups, so AA is the only option for face to face.

I see cultlike characteristics in AA that sit uneasy with me. For instance, a them (outside) and us (alcoholics), i've heard that AA is the only way. I've heard that you're not sober if you don't use AA. There is definate thought control, there are so many repetative phrases, with many it's as though advice is read from a script...i've even seen those same phrases given as advice on the alcohol forums here.

I do not like the origins of AA, i do not like the fact that it came out of the Oxford Group and that the steps are an adaption of OG rules/steps. I do not like to see the veneration given to Bill Wilson, if you look into what sought of a man he was, why would i want to adopt his steps? It's widely reported that he asked for a glass of whiskey whilst dying and he's quoted as saying LSD can be used to gain spiritual insight.

I feel so uneasy with AA, but at the same time there is nothing else in my area.

On the second point of whether i can drink again in the future at safe levels. I basically see two models of alcohol/addiction recovery. The first (AA), being a disease model which we will always have, therefore abstinence is the only solution. The second being a learned behaviour model, that addiction is learned behaviour that can be unlearned, therefore meaning that we are not always going to be alcoholics, meaning safe drinking is possible. In the UK or should i say my locality the medical field adopts the second model and doesn't use the word alcoholism, but rather alcohol dependency. So i do ask myself am i an alcoholic, or was i alcohol dependent?

I do have issues with 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic'. I do wonder whether i can become a safe/moderate drinker and wonder to myself if i were to drink again would it be so bad? I was on the road to recovery prior to going to AA and always saw AA as the final piece of the jigsaw, but do i really need it now is what i ask myself? Have i essentially recovered? I have no desire to drink, but at the same time why should i rule it out anymore? (please note these are rhetorical questions)

I have been reading the first and last freedom which i do apply to AA. That essentially i want to be free from all conditioning, from my religious upbringing, from my alcohol addiction and also from recovery itself. I feel a though i've wiped the slate clean of my old life so to speak, if i drink again in the future would it be such a bad thing is what i ask myself.

Because i have been thinking like this i have kept away from this site and also AA meetings. I really do think we are responsile for our actions and not some higher power.

I therefore wanted to ask any advice/suggestions from the secular crowd here. I do not mean for this post to be AA bashing, it just how i feel at present. All the thoughts i have posted here is exactly what i have been thinking for the past few weeks and not meant to knock anyone elses recovery.