[Faerie]

Warning may trigger.

I am very proud of myself, it's been a year to the week since I last tried to kill myself and I'll never go back there again!

I've tried to kill myself 4 times in the past.

For those of you that don't know me I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I have been raped 3 times and am weaning myself off of codeine.

Suicide is no longer an option for me. I think it is a very selfish act and only causes pain for those who love you.

However I have been there myself and completely understand how it feels to be suicidal, sometimes it can feel like the only option.

I cannot stress enough that,

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Things do get better, it takes time and hard work but they do, believe that.

After each attempt I have been so grateful to still be alive and felt ashamed and guilty for putting my friends and family through so much pain.

Attempting suicide does not get you sympathy. My brother did not talk to me for months after each attempt.

If you are feeling suicidal, tell someone how you are feeling and keep talking until someone takes you seriously and helps you.

If you are really scared you are in danger or have no-one you can talk to check yourself into the ER, they will keep you safe and get you a psych assessment and the help you need.

Each time I have attempted suicide the underlying reasons have been the depression and the pain from being raped, but each time there had been another crisis that had triggered me.

The first time I had a run in with my senior manager at the bank I worked at and felt so useless and so convinced I was going to lose my job, that coupled with my emotional pain from repressing the pain of the rapes and being sick of being depressed I attempted to kill myself.

After I had taken the overdose and drunk the bottle of vodka I realised what I had done, realised I didn't want to die and called my parents at work. They called an ambulance and met me at the hospital. I was so happy I got help and was still alive. That was in 07.

In August of 08 I went cold turkey off my valium and codeine. This also triggered a severe suicidal episode and I tried killing myself 3 times in 2 weeks. Each time the hospital discharged me within 2 days. Which says a lot about the Australian mental health system.

But again, after the forth attempt I was grateful to be alive, felt ashamed and guilty and got the help I needed.

I have now found the right antidepressants for me and have a great psychologist who I see every 2 weeks. I also have a wonderful doctor who is helping me wean myself off of codeine slowly and safely.

I still feel depressed quite a lot but now I know that suicide is no longer an option for me, no matter what happens in my life. If I am feeling really down I take my 'crash meds' which have been put together by my doctor which knock me out and keep me safe. If you think 'crash meds' would help you speak to your doctor. DO NOT put them together yourself, that could be dangerous!

So please, anybody reading this who is feeling suicidal, take some wisdom from my story. Suicide is not an option. Life will get better no matter how dark it is now. If you are in danger, talk about it or check into the ER.

If anyone else feels comfortable sharing a similar story I would love to hear it.

I will finish with saying again.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Much Love,

Faerie