[katie44]

I wasnt quite sure where to post this. I have always believed things happen for a reason and that there are signs in life that are signals for change. I have always thought of myself as a strong person who could handle any sitiation. I thought I was a good person, always trying to help or pick-up other peoples pieces. What I have realized is that help only comes to those that help themselves. I feel so guilty for the way I feel right now. AS is still using, spouse is still binge drinking ( says he doesnt have a problem, he only drinks three times a month) Problem is when he drinks he is rude, belligerent, phones people and says horrible things. Yesterday was the topper, he stayed over nite at work and proceeded to drink. When I went in in the morning he was still half cut. I found his beer and threw it out. It is illegal to drink at work I own half of this business. It is embarrassing, he even answered the phone to some customers. He sounded rude and aggressive. He then proceeded to bother me all day to give him back his beer. To the point he would not get out of my chair if I wouldnt give him a beer, said he was going to mess me up if I didnt give it back ( said he was joking). My nerves were so bad I just wanted to walk out. Of course I couldnt I have employees on the premises and phone calls to answer. our business is on the verge of bankruptcy. We have done everything to hang on. I have never been so tired in my life. I know we will loose our home, everything we have worked for. Spose drinking at work generally does not happen however I am not his babysitter absolutely disgusting. He takes no responsibility for any of his doings and makes excuses for everything. Or points the blame. I just want peace in my life, no more chaos. I see my son it breaks my heart, i look at my spouse and I am full of anger. I spend the day fending off creditors, trying to pretend I am fine. I dont see me spending the next ten years like this. He cheated on me last year said it was the first time. of course I put it on the back burner to try and save this business. I have lost total trust in him. he says its not his fault it was the booze. I lost my mother 2 years ago to cirrosis. I am loosing control of everything in my life and dont know how to fix it. My daughter is coming home with her boyfriend in two weeks too live with us for 4 months until they leave for Thailand. She is a wonderful girl. I feel as if she is about to walk in to a ticking time bomb. She has been sheltered as to what has been going on. Even if we were on good financial ground I know I would feel this way. Everyday I go to work come home and go to bed. This has been going on for two years. I have talked to a counsellor and found no relief. I have had thoughts I just wish I wasnt here anymore, of course I would not do that I have my children. I just dont know where to turn.
I cry all the time, someone suggested an anti-depressant that is not the answer to mask my problems with drugs. I have avoided seeing friends and family. On the weekends I generally sit in the house. There are so many people with worse problems, and i think get it together katie you always have.
I just cant anymore, my paper work is a mess at work, I have let my appearance go, my home is un organized. What is wrong with me? Spouse has ni license ( due to a DUI) three years ago wasnt his fault of course. All I do is drive him around. He is a good man I know that but he is a alcoholic and it disgusts me and along with it causes more chaos.
He blmes AH for all our problems because he had stolen so much etc. Wont look at him self.
Does anyone believe all of this is falling apart because it supposed to. I want to be happy in my life. I have not been to church since I was very young, I believe in spirituality, I just dont know if god truly exists. I think he does, I just dont know. I know there is a HP. Im sorry for my long posting. i really need some advice, i desperately need to find some inner peace and strenght.