[rachell]

My addict boyfriend of two years(i posted on this before ) passed two weeks ago. Anyone who is involved with an addict always thinks when they go out the door you may nver see them again, i thought it all the time...but ALWAYS saw him again so in a way i stopped worrying a little bit.....story is i loved him from a kid and got involved with him two years ago knowing he was an addict ... of course i thought maybe things could be differnt this time, he was an addict for six years at that stage...anyway we fell in love ... did a million cold turkeys, tried the methodone programme and six weeks ago he went into rehab for this millionth time....he was meant to stay for twelve weeks but he only stayed for four... i still thought maybe he can do it, so moved back in with me and after a week i suspected him of using and then another week later i asked him to leave, for a few days he was fine, i knew by his voice he was using...as in how he is with me...so i met him four days after i had asked him to leave as yet again i was going to give him another chance, the day i went to meet him he was blantinly on tablets and lighters in his pocket, so on that day i said ok enough now im done ... this is it(i had said that before he went to rehab and when he came out i asked if he was to use again to never phone me ..if he loved me hed leave me alone) and i said ;no im done now, he rang that night and told me he loved me and said he just wants me to be happy and asked me to meet him but i refused...something i never did,that was his last phonecall to me, (something he never did he would never not phone me when he went on a bender)... three days later he died from an overdose, i still am walking around like it hasnt happened but it has hit me more in the last couple of days ...i have so much guilt with it i shouldnt have asked him to leave and i think i should have said i know your using but i was just afraid that i could push him over the edge if i accused him in the wrong even though i was never wrong, i think i just wanted to believe so much he wasnt using and he;d get better, then sometimes i hate him and i know that sounds so bad and i cant believe im saying it but i feel why did he do this to his family and himself....and then i feel guilty as i know how much he struggled as i saw him battle with it, then i have a million questions as now i wonder was he ever sober with me, even when he was on methodone and we went away for five days he was sick for the last day and now i think he could of brought some over with him as he had done that on several other occasions (before i knew him) and then lastly i wonder if he ever loved me at all, did he just hang out with me all the time for just having someone around for when he was stoned, or when we moved in together ok he paid the rent but was that just to make his parents happy and he just needed me to be there as in i could of being any girl...i thought what we had was so special but i dont know what to think, i nearly wish he could tell me he didnt love me as that would stop me hurting so much inside