SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Confrontation over my alcohol induced emotional abuse

killingmesmalls · 08-12-2009, 12:44 AM

Thanks for posting and your honesty. I just found this site today while I was looking for what meetings were available in my area, and I haven't had a drink - so that is something I guess. I have had substance abuse issues since 14, and am now 32. I never thought it would go on this long - I thought I would eventually hit some magic age or something where I would miraculously not want to drink anymore.
I now have kids and am married, and either drink secretly or with my husband when he is willing but have always wind up having to apologize for either picking a fight or unrelenting whining. It's not fun for him - there is the occasional time that it is, but really it has been eroding our marriage.
This year has been really hard and I keep finding new stress that I would like to just take the edge off with a couple of drinks. It turns into me drinking a bottle of wine almost every other night & becoming immune to hang overs. My kids deserve better, and they are getting older - I don't want them to ever have to know this side of me. I don't want to ever be cruel and not remember what I put them through.
What is finally making me take the step toward AA and sobriety is that my best friend of 23 years and oldest partying friend killed herself about 2 months ago. We had shared in our addictions (mainly drinking)- a lot of our friendship revolved around planning how we would get f***d up. We only hung out ever couple of years, but it was okay for us to be all f**d up and struggle through the other pains that addiction can inflict on your life, because we always had each other. WTF?
I look back now and think what a damn waste! All the what if's, read and re-read her note and journal and wonder why I didn't know how she really felt inside. And the truth is it was easier for us to just forget about our pain together, and I feel like I wasn't a friend to her at all. Of maybe how I might have been cruel to her when we were drinking - not unheard of.
Your are doing the right thing - that is great you are sober 6 days. This is my first, and your post really spoke volumes to me. THank you.

08-12-2009, 12:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
killingmesmalls Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: upland, ca Posts: 46	I am a mean drunk too Thanks for posting and your honesty. I just found this site today while I was looking for what meetings were available in my area, and I haven't had a drink - so that is something I guess. I have had substance abuse issues since 14, and am now 32. I never thought it would go on this long - I thought I would eventually hit some magic age or something where I would miraculously not want to drink anymore. I now have kids and am married, and either drink secretly or with my husband when he is willing but have always wind up having to apologize for either picking a fight or unrelenting whining. It's not fun for him - there is the occasional time that it is, but really it has been eroding our marriage. This year has been really hard and I keep finding new stress that I would like to just take the edge off with a couple of drinks. It turns into me drinking a bottle of wine almost every other night & becoming immune to hang overs. My kids deserve better, and they are getting older - I don't want them to ever have to know this side of me. I don't want to ever be cruel and not remember what I put them through. What is finally making me take the step toward AA and sobriety is that my best friend of 23 years and oldest partying friend killed herself about 2 months ago. We had shared in our addictions (mainly drinking)- a lot of our friendship revolved around planning how we would get f*d up. We only hung out ever couple of years, but it was okay for us to be all fd up and struggle through the other pains that addiction can inflict on your life, because we always had each other. WTF? I look back now and think what a damn waste! All the what if's, read and re-read her note and journal and wonder why I didn't know how she really felt inside. And the truth is it was easier for us to just forget about our pain together, and I feel like I wasn't a friend to her at all. Of maybe how I might have been cruel to her when we were drinking - not unheard of. Your are doing the right thing - that is great you are sober 6 days. This is my first, and your post really spoke volumes to me. THank you.